Friday, 21 December 2012

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Two Office Slappers

Every now and again the mask slips and the inner slapper comes to the fore as this short video demonstrates. Hence why spankings are needed, I suppose. Anyway, these two certainly deserve a few good minutes across someone's knee - what do you think?

In case you are wondering, I am still out of office - out of country if you want the truth - so the next posting is going to be God knows when...

Friday, 14 December 2012

Peter Hooper, Disciplinarian, 1928-2012

Peter Hooper has died from lung cancer at the age of 84. He was one of the more famous disciplinarians, noted for his portrayals of strict headmasters who are forced to unleash a dose of corporal punishment to the recalcitrant.

In real life Peter was as socially conservative as he appeared on the small screen and was a strong believer in the smack of firm government. Born in Manchester in 1928 he entered the Royal Navy just after the Second World War, and remained in service until 1960. He then went to work for Sainsbury's in South London, remaining with the firm until his retirement in 1993.

He began attending Kane spanking parties and became known as the man who would volunteer to run the small stall selling magazines at those events. Then he started attending the Moonglow parties and it was following one such pleasurable afternoon in 2005 that he offered his services to the company as an on-screen disciplinarian.

To say that he took to it like a duck to water is putting it mildly: Peter revelled in whatever stern role he was allotted to play and it was noted that many an experienced submissive would swallow hard when she discovered that her bottom was going to be attended to by Peter Hooper:

Peter starred in several Moonglow and Kane videos, but was quite happy to appear in a small company's video, just so long as there was a insolent young madam who needed taking in hand.

Off-screen this lifelong Conservative married twice and is believed to have a daughter who he had not seen in many years. However, little is known about that aspect of his life as Peter was not a man who ever wanted to rake over the cold ashes of the past.

With a drink and cigarette in hand he was genial and avuncular, but give him a cane and a naughty female backside that was in need of attention and he became the headmaster of any schoolgirl's nightmares. It is in that role that he will be long remembered.

Peter Hooper, born Manchester, 28 May 1928. Died in London, 13 December 2012.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Order Of the Burning Buttocks: Anne Hathaway

An Order of the Burning Buttocks, to be administered with freshly pickled birch rod, is hereby awarded to Miss Anne Hathaway, for the old upskirt that she flashed on Monday evening.

Well, maybe not for the upskirt, since God knows how many starlets such as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have flashed their snatches for our pervy pleasure down the years. The fact that Anne has joined this not very select sorority by putting her neatly trimmed pussy on display is pretty much what we expect from a girl these days, so we glance, perv, and pass on to other things.

No, this order is given because Anne wants us to believe that it was all a terrible accident instead of a carefully planned publicity stunt. Hey, she just goes to the event of the year, in a tight fitting dress with every photographer and his brother trying to get shots of her and she just happens to forget her knickers that day.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Hysterical Literature

You want to watch this video clip, trust me when I say that you do. The producer persuaded girls to sit demurely in front of the camera and read from a text of their choice. Below the table is a chap with a vibrator who goes to work on the girl and what follows is a contest between girl and vibrator to to see how long it takes before the girl's body takes over and she falls off the edge.

The series is called Hysterical Literature, and this one is my favourite:

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Mexico City Street Entertainer

The above rather amusing little video clip which I shot the other day has nothing whatsoever to do with la cosa nostra, but it does help to explain why the postings around here have been few and far between over the past couple of weeks. I'm in Mexico City and expect to be here for at least the next two months - longer if the British winter turns out to be as cold as the BBC forecasts it will.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Liebster Award

The lovely Katerina over at the Bottoms Up Book Review has given me this here award, and all I have to do is as follows:

1. Post 11 random facts about myself.
2. Answer the 11 question put out by the person giving the award.
3. Pass the award on to 11 victims of my own, but not the person who chose me for it.
4. Create 11 new questions for them.
4. Post the Liebster Award logo.

Shall we begin? Here are my 11 killer bits of information about myself:

1. I was just 15 when I first spanked a girl.
2. She was the same age.
3. I rarely spank just for the fun of it. To me a spanking is first and foremost about teaching a recalcitrant female to behave.
4. I hate it when a woman wears trousers - I am a skirts fellow!
5. I lived in Mexico City for twenty years.
6. "Life can little else supply but a few good fucks and then we die," is my favourite quote. (John Wilkes' Essay on Women if you really want to know.)
7. "A woman, a dog and a walnut tree: the more you beat them the better they be," just happens to be a truism.
8. The best car that I ever owned was a Ford Cougar. It had a five litre turbocharged engine...
9. The first time I ever spanked a Mexican girl she complained afterwards that her bottom was red. "Redder than normal," was my reply, which did not exactly impress her.
10. I hate British Airways.
11. I voted for UKIP in the 2010 general election.

Here are Katerina's questions for me, with my answers:

1. What is your all-time favourite spanking book?
Anything written by me!

2. Have you ever fantasised about spanking a character in a movie or a famous actress?
I always thought that I could have done a better job that John Wayne managed with Maureen O'Hara in McClintock. 

3. What is your favourite holiday?
Fishing in the Gulf of Mexico

4. What is one of your pet peeves about spanking stories?
Where the heroines always learn to love the spanking. What about one where she just accepts that she deserved it?

5. What new skil would you like to learn.
To play the guitar.

6. Do you prefer the city or the coutnryside?
The city.

7. What are you reading now?
Three Victories and a Defeat, by Brendan Simms

8. Describe a spanking, real or fantasy, in eleven words or fewer.
She deserved it and I duly gave it to her.

9. If you woke up one morning in a woman's body what would you do?
Kill myself.

10. What famous person needs to be spanked and what famous person should do the spanking?
Pippa Middleton for being a provocative little madam, as spanked by me. I have written three books so I think that I am famous enough.

11. What book have you reread the most?
I honestly cannot remember!

These are my eleven questions for my victims:

1. Has the 50 Shades phenomenon helped or hindered the spanking scene?
2. Is there a difference between BDSM and spanking or are we all the same?
3. Is spanking becoming more popular?
4. Why do you think that switching has become respectable?
5. Describe a spanking in eleven words or fewer.
6. Which is preferable - the cane or a spanking?
7. "It was horrible. I couldn't move and felt like a little girl." Discuss.
8. "Did you have to take my knickers down?" Why is this a silly question?
9. A Spanking impresses the lesson upon the mind as well as the posterior. Discuss
10. Do you agree that a woman is never too old to go across a man's knee?
11. Should a man always have a reason to spank his woman or may he do it because he feels like it?

My chosen victims are:

Raven Red


More to follow later...

Friday, 30 November 2012

A professional submissive reports...

I was chatting the other day to a pro-sub named Belinda, who reported that guys are increasingly booking sessions at 8 o'clock in the morning or even earlier. At that hour I am barely aware that I am still alive, so the chances of me swinging a cane around are about nil I should think and I always assumed that this was the way it is for most people.

What is happening is that chaps tell their wives that they have to go into the office an hour early to catch up on work and the wives believe this tale because who in their right mind would want to partake of hanky-panky when the streets have not thoroughly aired? I found this this information interesting and was inspired to dig a little deeper and I discovered that the other big times for session bookings fall between noon and 2 o'clock, and then in the hour of so after 5 o'clock.

Is it just me or is there something very funny indeed about otherwise henpecked husbands creeping out behind the backs of their awfully wedded wives to whack the backsides of pro-subs before crawling off home like good little sheeple? It makes me long for the days of Colonel Sir Buffton Tuffton who would thrash wife, daughter and secretary with equal abandon and didn't give a tinker's cuss who knew about it.

We live in horrible times.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Please Vote For Deathless Love

Will you do me a favour? Just click on this link and then vote for Deathless Love by Renee Rose as November's favourite story. You only have until the early hours of Saturday morning British time to cast your vote so please get a-clicking.

What's it about? It's a spanking vampire story, what more do you want to know? OK, go on then, if you insist I'll tell you that it is the story of Kate, who sings at a club owned by Dom the vampire. When not nibbling her neck he has her across his knee with skirts up and panties down to teach her that even the undead have feelings that a thoughtless female can insult.

It's a great tale so vote for Renee Rose and Deathless Love! 

Amazon UK          Amazon USA

EL James 50 Shades Interview

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An interesting interview with EL James. authoress of the Fifty Shades trilogy. She leaves open the possibility of more books in the series, and if that was not enough to get the eyes rolling, she then wants us to believe that she is embarrassed by men reading her fantasies. Given that those fantasies started out as Twilight fan fiction I am dubious that this lady can be embarrassed about anything, but never mind.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Authorgraph Anyone?

This is a wonderfully silly invention, but I like it. People complain that the disadvantage with e-books is that you cannot get the author to sign a copy of his work. Well, thanks to Authorgraph you can get an e-signature for your e-book. Yes, I know, its not perfect, but it is an attempt to overcome the problem.

So what do you do? Well, you click on the link above and decide which book of mine that you want signing. Once I get the mail you will receive a free "signed" front cover of that particular book. Go ahead and collect the lot!

Monday, 26 November 2012

Miss Pippa Middleton: a grovelling apology

We At Urzdown Hall wish to humbly apologise to Miss Pippa Middleton for any distress that out perving posts made have caused her. In our own defence we could argue that the owner of a ripe, luscious, totally smackable read end such as Pippa's should need a license before that rump is taken out on the public  highway, but we accept that this might be a bit impracticable.

No, instead we shall do our best to ignore those luscious, seductive, totally banging great hard-on inducing curves from now onwards. Furthermore, never again will we sit in pubs discussing how great it would be to have Pippa tear streaked and humbled, bend over a table with her sore, swollen freshly smacked bottom on display as we lower our trousers to that she can submissively take the throbbing cock that is about to enter her body.

Further references to Her Royal Hotness and suchlike will not be made, and never again will gentlemen of this blog be invited to consider the day when a wedding turned into a porn show for millions of happy chappies all across the planet:

As a mark of our good faith, and to show what all round good eggs we are, we are offering you the chance to go and buy Pippa's party book, excitingly entitled Celebrate, just in time for Christmas:

Friday, 23 November 2012

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Miss Pippa Middleton Again!

Chaps, I just have to give up some valuable drinking time to award yet another Order of the Burning Buttocks to the ever lovely Miss Pippa Middleton.

If she isn't walking around in a schoolgirl skirt, then she is providing us with all too infrequent glimpses of her pert, made to smack rear end. It reminds us once again of how we switched on the royal wedding, having nothing else to do that day, and were treated to a free porn video instead.

Pippa, on behalf of the gentlemen of England may I say that every time we look at you something starts running down our legs and we don't think that it's sweat.

Good Times With Girls: New Low Price!

The e-book version of Good Times With Girls has now been reduced to a super low price of just £3.00 in the UK and $5.00 over in the USA!

What can I say? I am the nicest guy you would ever wish to meet, taking the food out of my children's mouth to give you your porn at prices anyone can afford.

Truly, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, or something.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Competition: Win a Free Copy of Spanks For The Memories

Have you enjoyed the selections from Spanks For The Memories: The Changing Spanking Scene Since The 1970s? If so do you want a free copy of the book?

All you have to do is drop me a line with your wittiest memory of erotic life. It can be anything you like, from buying condoms in the 1960s to shopping at Ann Summers today via the joys of waiting for a video to arrive by post in the 1980s.

I will choose male and female winners, and their memories will be posted up on this very blog. So dig into your memory banks and let's hear your tales. Please write them to me at To be on the safe side, I am closing comments to this post.

I'll choose the winners at the end of this month, so start getting the memory chips whirring, folks!

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Spanks For The Memories: Spotting The Fakes

Spanks For The Memories: The Changing Spanking Scene Since The 1970s was published over the weekend and here is another extract from it. This one deals with the internet fakes, odious men who pretend to be girls to get their rocks off.

The fakes are very easy to spot, if you keep your wits about you. Usually they take the identity of the sweet young girl of your dreams and they contact you on either Facebook or something similar. Here are Uncle Nick's three rules of spotting them: 

Firstly, does the girl come over as being the stuff that fantasies are made out of? That is probably because she is; she's a fantasy created by someone, who is busy pulling his pud as he reads your messages to him. If you do not believe me, then just ask yourself how many 18-year-old girls are willing to behave in the way that this one is supposedly doing with you? If you sit back and think with your head instead of your dick then you will smell the rat. Remember the old adage that if something is too good to be true then it usually is. 

Secondly, how many friends does your new playmate have on Facebook? Most fakes do not have the hundreds of friends that real girls have. Leading on from that how many photos do they have on their profile? Some girls only have a few, but most will have hundreds, as that is just the way that girls are. Obviously, the fakers cannot copy the hundreds of friends and photos that a genuine girl will fill her page with. Very well, you will certainly find real girls who do not have a lot of friends and photos, but they are the exception to the rule. However, the fakes never have many friends or photos. 

Finally, demand to hear your new friend's voice. What has she got to hide if she is genuine? If she does not want to use her own telephone then tell her to use a call box, but insist on her making that call. This tactic is pretty much guaranteed to get rid of every single fake. Do not listen to their bluster about how the time is not right, just tell them that the time is right now, baby, otherwise off is where you should tell them to fuck. Trust me; it is the one tactic that will separate the on-line wheat from the chaff. Not difficult is it? So do not get caught out again! 

Monday, 19 November 2012

Spanks For The Memories: The Mr Ulsterman Story

Here's the third extract from Spanks For The Memories, my brief account of a thoroughly enjoyable life as a writer of spanko porno. The book itself is now available on the electronic bookshelves at a very reasonable £3.00.

Although the web has created many more opportunities for the fakes and fraudsters to operate, it has also created a quite wonderful space within which ordinary people can interact. This is something that the kinky communities have adopted with abandon. For instance the idea of a munch, a word which combines meeting with lunch, did not even exist when I bade farewell to Britain’s shores, but they are now the mainstay of the BDSM world. Originally they existed as lunchtime meetings, but now they have become the shorthand expression for any group of BDSM inclined people who decide to get together to socialise. Often held in otherwise vanilla pubs with an A to Z atlas or something on the table so that newcomers know which people to approach they are a great way to meet like minded people in a new town. 

Needless to say, possibilities exist for things to get seriously misunderstood and with me around that is invariably what happens. I remember going to an evening munch in a vanilla pub and being introduced to a waif-like girl in her very early thirties who asked some polite questions about my book, A Spanking Good Life. Some time later a thick-set giant of a man introduced himself in a broad Ulster accent and after the usual pleasantries were over, told me that he was a former Royal Ulster Constabulary officer. I planned to sit back and listen to his tales of thrashing Fenians within an inch of their miserable lives or something, when Mr Ulsterman asked me if I had a wife or girlfriend. I replied that my wife was in Mexico, and that Raven, my mistress was out of the country. With that someone else started to talk to me and the Ulsterman also turned his head to chat to someone so I forgot the exchange. 

About half an hour later I saw Mr Ulsterman and Miss Waif deep in conversation, and then they both turned to look at me, with Miss Waif asking the question that was clearly on both their minds: 

“You are a dominant man, aren’t you?” 

“Of course, just like him” I replied, gesturing to the man mountain who probably made the entire Falls Road collectively shit itself at the mere mention of his name back in the day.

“You said that you had a mistress,” said Mr Ulsterman, with a puzzled look on his face. 

“Well, yes, I do. I’m married, so my lovers are my mistresses. That’s what the girlfriend of a married man is called, a mistress,” I replied, thoroughly puzzled by the question. 

“You see,” said Miss Waif. “I told you he wasn’t a naughty boy like you, didn’t I?”

 “Yes, mistress,” replied the by now very subdued, totally fucking submissive, Mr Ulsterman. 

“Yes, but this mistake has earned you twelve with the cane when we get home, I’m sorry to have to tell you,” explained Miss Waif, who was by then very much in control of this muscle-bound giant who could have crushed her in one hand had he been so minded. 

Mr Ulsterman did not say a word, and contented himself with a nod, but I noticed that his hooded eyes were glinting darkly in anticipation of the punishment to come…

Spanks For The Memories arrives on the Kindle!

Two weeks earlier than anticipated, Spanks For The Memories has arrived on Amazon's Kindle!

It is hard to believe but just a week ago I was announcing a launch date of the end of the month, but that was before Raven got to work and created the file for Smashwords which  she then uploaded on Friday.

I was expecting several more days to pass before the rather more complicated Kindle file would be ready, but Raven sat down and got it ready to go over the weekend. I really am in her debt for all this.

Enough of this maudlin emotion stuff, the book is available from all version of Amazon, which for most of you will mean Amazon UK and Amazon USA. Don't forget that you can also pick it up from the Smashwords site in all the other formats.

Friday, 16 November 2012

Spanks For The Memories has just been published!

Spanks For The Memories has just been published at where it is available in all major formats for just $2.99. It will go live on the various Amazon sites in a few days, but why wait when you can get it right now and read it on your Kindle if you wish? All you do is download the Mobi version of the book, connect your Kindle to the computer via the USB cable and then copy the file before pasting it into your My Documents folder on the Kindle. Easy-peasy.

What's my latest book about? Have you ever wanted to know the inside story behind the spanking pornography trade? It has changed a lot since the 1970s so come along as I take you on a roller-coaster ride, which starts back in the days of duplicated typescripts and ends up with today's websites. My knowledge of the world of video making and the spanking party scene is second to none. So if you want to know the real stories behind many of the classic video shoots of the 1980s as well as reading an authoritative account of how the spanking party scene developed, then this slim, 25,000 word volume is the one that you have been waiting for.

Update: Amazon UK and Amazon USA both have it!

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Spanks For The Memories: The Growth of Video

This is the second extract from  Spanks For The Memories, my account of my years as a porno writer and video maker. Let's look at the growth of video and how Harrison Marks turned out to be very lucky indeed...
At the end of the 1980s it looked to all the writers as if the land was about to overflow with milk and honey. Looking back that hubris was a mistake, but how were we to know that the cold winds of the 1990s were about to hit us with a vengeance? 

To be fair, we had ridden out the video storm reasonably well and had learned to coexist with it, which is more than can be said for our American counterparts who were swept away by the video tide. In the USA the trade in magazines just died as everyone started renting pornographic videos from their local shop, but in Britain such videos could not be sold legally, thank goodness, so the magazines continued for a while longer. 

That is not to say that the country was not awash with videos, and I knew plenty of people who would travel to Holland to stock up on supplies of the latest American shagfests, which the canny Dutch were issuing on Video 8 cartridges that were actually made to record video in a camera. However, unlike a VHS cartridge these items were small enough to fit unobtrusively in a jacket pocket. Once home the merchant would slot the cartridge into his camera, hook that up to the VHS machine and then start to copy the video onto full sized VHS tapes to sell to the eager multitude.

 It has to be admitted that the law did not take the ostensibly overarching video legislation all that seriously, either. Until the day that he died, George Harrison Marks used to love telling the story of how he was once prosecuted for selling some spanking videos. So convinced was he that he would be spending time as a guest of Her Majesty that he went to court with a stock of fresh underwear and socks in a paper bag. As his name was read out the judge leaned myopically forward and asked if the defendant was the same Harrison Marks who had once edited Janus? When this was confirmed to him, his lordship’s eyes were raised slightly at the news, and the judicial lips were then pursed in thought. The defence council rose and made his one submission, which was that the videos had been exported to Denmark and that Harrison Marks was not responsible if someone chose to then export them back to Britain. This rather lame explanation was considered by the judge who then ruled that there was no case to answer and dismissed the defendant. To say that the courtroom was stunned was putting it mildly and for the rest of his life Harrison Marks would tell that story as an example of just how much the high and mighty enjoyed a good spanking read. Certainly, this event and others like it had an influence on the trade with more and more pornographers turning their attention to the making of spanking videos, with a reasonable degree of certainty that nobody would disturb them. 

Why did this not destroy the written word as it did across the Atlantic? Largely because the trade was still semi-clandestine as the police would raid a normal video shop that had the temerity to stock pornographic tapes. Therefore, unlike the United States or most of Europe, the punter could not go to a shop and rent a tape, instead he had to buy it from a man that he did not know and wait for it to arrive in a big, bulky envelope by post. Some punters were quite happy to give their details out, but most were not. Soho started selling videos, but many shops were ripping off the punters by selling them blank tapes, and the video trade acquired a reputation for out and out fraudulent activity, which the magazine side of the porn trade never had. 

To cut a long story short, the writers continued to make money with magazines that should have been killed off by video, and would have been had Britain not be quite such an anally retentive place as it was in the 1980s. 

On the other hand, the hack writers of Britain who made rather a lot of money under those circumstances gave thanks for anal retention and the type of government that it created.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Spanks For The Memories: The Caning Machine Story

As promised yesterday, here's the first selection from Spanks For The Memories, my new book which will see the light of day early next month at the very reasonable price of just £2.99.

This excerpt which follows deals with the Caning Machine story, something which porn merchants still chuckle over whenever it is repeated - which it is, frequently. Being a cuddly sort of cove I have included the actual clip which shows the girl leap to her feet. There is a jump cut at the 45 second mark which is when she did her runner. The rest was shot about an hour later after they had calmed her down.

Read, enjoy and remember that the full book is chock full of laughs like this:

Amusing disasters do seem to follow the spanking video trade around, come to think about it. I suspect that one of the reasons is the sheer number of honest English eccentrics that abound in it ranks. One guy decided that what he really wanted to have was a caning machine, so he set to work and built one. It was a wonderfully Heath-Robinson contraption that involved a cane being held flat on a table by a spring. The cane had to be pulled back by hand and there was no trigger mechanism so the operator just let go at the appropriate moment, whereupon the cane was flicked forward to administer a stroke to anyone who was bent over next to the table. Does this sound like a sensible idea to you? 

This weird and wonderful contraption had its first and only outing in a mid-1980s video called, with amazing originality, The Caning Machine. The rather pretty girl on the receiving end was actually an Alitalia airhostess who doubled up in CP videos in her spare time, by the way. The machine unleashed its cane across the naked girl’s buttocks causing her to leap around and scream blue murder. She grabbed her clothes and fled the set in a high temper, but was persuaded to return to complete the final scene. If you watch the video you can see there is a jump cut almost immediately after the cane cracks across her bare bottom and that was the point when she did her runner. 

The girl refused to take any more from the machine, so that final scene was ad-libbed to make it appear as if she was only due to receive a one stroke caning, anyway, and on that ridiculous note the video ends, but not the story. The girl then left and for reasons that are still unclear decided to go to the police who promptly raided the set where another video was being shot. Everyone was taken off to the nick, where the Italian girl was waving her arms around, stamping her foot, and generally giving a performance that would shame a local amateur dramatic society. Matters dragged on for some time because every copper in town felt constrained to come along and inspect the seat of the injury as it were. I am sure that you will understand that this was necessary in the interests of gathering evidence, or something. However, once it became clear that there was no case to answer, as after all she had agreed to the shoot in the first place, the cops, cast and crew all went off and got gloriously drunk together. 

 Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you in all seriousness, could anyone make shit like this up? 

I'll post another excerpt tomorrow!

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Spanks For The Memories Front Cover

Here's the front cover of Spanks For The Memories, my new book which is due out in a couple of weeks. Come back tomorrow to read some of it right here on this very blog.

What's it about? Well, what it says on the tin, it's my memories of the porn trade since the 1970s with particular emphasis on the spanking side of it.

We will look at duplicating machines and the thugs who owned them along with the spanking magazines of the day. Coming forward we will look at Antonia du Bois and the early CP videos to say nothing of an Alitalia air-hostess who got more than she bargained for when she did a CP shoot. Then it's on to the spanking parties before we finish up by looking at the whole social media scene of today.

Unlike my earlier works this one will only be available as an e-book, but it will be issued in all the main formats as well as PDF for those of you who want to print it out yourselves.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Double baggers are useful after all!

The Law of Unintended Consequences has come up trumps for me right now. At the end of last month I had a blazing row with a lump of lard in a pub. That's her pictured on the right in the photo, and  trust me when I say that you don't want to see the face. Anyway, after the verbals ended I wrote about the incident that night as it gave me an easy posting. A few days later I realised that my clips' site sales were going through the roof and checking my statporn I saw that it had become wankable indeed. Hard though it is to believe but the argument had led directly to a healthy bank balance.

I don't normally read the various fora where the argument is being misrepresented, but following an e-mail from someone who does I went a-searching and was delighted by what I found. In a nutshell various types are trying to curry favour with the creature that I had the altercation with, obviously in the hope that by slagging me off they might gain access to her in some way. Yes, I know, the thought revolts me as much as it would any normal fellow, but these men are a bit sad to put it mildly.

The point is that some of these dickheads are seeking to make their case by sticking up links to that earlier posting of mine. What they don't realise that there is no such thing as bad publicity and for every precious soul who clucks like a lobotomised hen at the blog there are any number of others who read the threads on these fora, click idly on a link because they find the whole discussion tedious in the extreme, and land on this blog. Then they go off and buy one of my trouser tightening, cock throbbing, early 1980s spanko porn vids!

The end result of all this is that I was able to take Raven out to dinner on Saturday night, and then to lunch at a very nice three starred Michelin eatery on Sunday all courtesy of dickless dwarfism. I hope that the weekend was as profitable and enjoyable for the dwarfs who are acting as my unpaid advertising agency, but suspect that it wasn't. Never mind, as I hear that they are planning a remake of Deliverance and if the company needs some authentic extras I know a few genuine inbred retards who would be perfect:

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Olvido Hormigos Carpio

An Order of the Burning Buttocks is hereby awarded to Mrs Olvido Hormigos Carpio, a Spanish primary schoolmistress, local politician and porn star. The porn star bit is accidental because she made the video for either her husband or lover, depending upon which version of the tale you believe. Either way it leaked to the web as these things will and now Olvido is an ex-politician.

Somebody should tell these silly girls that if you make a sleazy video that it is almost certain that someone will leak it to the web so that the rest of us can have a good old perv.

Since nobody else seems willing to take this saucy young madam in had it falls to me to say:

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Stephanie Ruhle

That's OK because I had no idea who Stephanie Ruhle was either until I saw the video of her flashing the old upskirt for the perving pleasure of the multitude.

I suppose that this financial journalist could argue that the producers insisted on the high stool, but the short skirt is hers alone and it meant that she had to keep her thighs jammed firmly together - until she decided not to which is when we got the flash. When will the Newsnight presenters who wear similarly short skirts treat us to a similar display?

In the meantime, and for not knowing how to sit properly, we award a sound Order of the Burning Buttocks to Miss Stephanie Ruhle:

Now come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Monday, 5 November 2012

Fat Bastards

Why do fat bastards think that people take them seriously? I am not talking about the Roy Chubby Brown characters:

No I am talking about the genuine fat bastards, the types that I run into, the ones who volunteer for video work without realising that if we put them in front of the camera the audience will think that the Carry On team are back at work.

The scene suddenly seems to be full of these lumps of lard and I wish that it wasn't. A generation ago it was made up of chaps who had experienced a good war and who believed that the smack of firm government began at home. And if they enjoyed tanning a secretarial backside or wifely rump that was just an added bonus.

Now we have creatures with lank hair that you could fry chips in, who wear sweat pants because the drooping sack of blubber that they call a belly will not fit into any other pair of strides and who give off the rank, goatish odour of the truly repulsive.

And they think that women are attracted to that. Dear God, it's enough to make a normal man turn to drink.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Dealing with double baggers

I try to understand women, I really do. I said that to Raven on the way back to the hotel after yesterday's barny, but all she did was guffaw in a strangulated kind of way. I tried to explain to her that the problem is that no matter how hard I try I just cannot get my head that far up my fucking arsehole to make sense of them which was when she started slapping her thighs in glee and yelping that I had just proved her point. Since I seem to be having trouble explaining my quite reasonable view to just about everyone these days, let's take the matter nice and slowly.

As a young fellow I took the view that I was quite happy to drink beer with any man and shag any woman. As an older man I am a bit more discriminating, or at least I need a couple of pints inside me if presented with a double bagger, that is to say a  creature so dog ugly that not only does she need to wear a brown paper bag but so does the guy shafting her in case hers falls off. Certainly I am less likely to even pretend to be nice to such a dog, especially if she needs to shed a few pounds to boot.

Thus it came to pass that yesterday I allowed myself to be provoked by a rather nasty piece of pussy that I should have just ignored. My excuse is that I was stone cold sober and in that state I would not have touched her with yours never mind mine, so I didn't really care what I said - and I said plenty, most of it obscene but all of it very enjoyable.

I suppose the moral of this tale is that if you are a double bagger best to wait until I am sloshed before provoking me as my dick may then decide that you are worth a ride. Thus I will  bite my tongue, even though my eyes are provoking my stomach to heave.

Alternatively, we could all just ignore such creatures, click on this link and find something nice to settle down with. You know it makes sense!

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Book Title: Spanks For The Memories

The new book that is currently being edited will be called Spanks For The Memories: the Spanking Scene since the 1970s, and the publication date has been firmly set for the 1st December this year. 

You may remember the competition that I ran to come up with the title, which was won by Philip with that rather nice zinger. My thanks and congratulations go to him. I will be writing to Philip later today to find out exactly how he wants the dedication to read, and of course he will be getting a free copy of the work just as soon as it appears.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

The Pippa Middleton Attraction

Conversation overheard at a breakfast table near you:

"Henry, the Telegraph's reporting something about that Pippa person that you like. Seems she's written a book. I wish I could understand all the fuss."

"Really? Pass the toast, Amelia."

"Yes... So what's the attraction?"

"Well, m'dear,  Katie is the quintessentially good girl that everyone likes, in a head prefect sort of way, but Pippa... Well, she's the naughty little minx that we all want to take in hand. I was saying to George at the club just the other night, that she was not too old, and all the chaps sort of nodded."

"Really, Henry?"

Yes, pass the marmalade, Amelia."

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Vampires and Spanking!

Edgar, Laird MacReiver, had never regretted his decision to wed Isobel, daughter of Clan Kilburn’s laird…until she bit his tongue and drank his blood. Will tying her hands, spanking her rump and making her come tame the wild child of the infamous vampire clan?

Or are some women too dangerous to tame?

I nearly fell out of my chair when the above news release arrived in my in-box. A spanking vampire story had to happen sooner or later, folks, and this one looks like its a gem. 

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Is This The End Of Men?

You cannot open a newspaper this week without reading about Hanna Rosin's new book, The End of Men: And the Rise of Women. Before we go any further, here's a money saving tip: whenever you hear of a new academic thesis being touted in hardback, always look for the original journal article that started it all off. That way you save a shitload of brass and get the full thesis delivered up in its purest form, without all the padding that gets added to fill a book. Who in their right minds ever invested in Francis Fukuyama's The End of History when The End of History? - note the question mark - is available all over the web? 

The Rosin Thesis has it that the economy has changed fundamentally and that women are better adapted to those changes. Thus they are taking over in the workplace and leaving men with their dicks in their hands, unable to cope. It is a lovely, all-encompassing idea, which shares one thing in common with that of Fukuyama at the end of the Cold war: it is total, complete and utter bollocks.

Fukuyama had it that history as a process leading towards something in the Hegelian sense was ending with the triumph of liberal, global capitalism. He argued that no competing world system would emerge, an idea which the rise of political Islam makes untenable. Fukuyama thought that he was putting forward a pan-cultural idea, but in reality it turned out to be a thesis that was only valid in the West, and perhaps only for a limited period as Western influence declines in the South of our planet.

Hanna Rosin has the same problem. She thinks that because the western economy  now has more use for compliant women instead of argumentative men that this makes for sea change in the way that the rest of the world will behave. That they will suddenly become just like us in other words, which is the trap that Fukuyama fell into.

The rest of the world will continue to treat us as effete losers, to be ignored as western military power declines with our economies. In Russia when a chap wants a secretary he might decide to invite applicants to flash their tits for the camera, with the girl who has the nicest pair getting the job. Eastern Europe believes firmly in the old notion that promotion comes via nepotism, cronyism and corruption, with the devil take anyone who is fool enough to be honest. Women will quite cheerfully take the horizontal road to success, as they do in Latin-America, a region that has a lot in common with Eastern Europe in terms of its social mores.

The military and economic declines of the west go hand in hand, and as first Greece and now Spain fall into an economic abyss, the notion that the western way offers anything useful to the lusty barbarians who live just over the borders must seem foolish to them. Given that they breed and the western middle class does not, the notion that tomorrow will belong to today's girls strikes me as risible. As risible as the notion that the working class men who are now dismissed as Chavs will lift a finger to help, come to think about it.

Tomorrow will not be like today, but it will be uncommonly like yesterday. Now then, let me look for a new secretary...

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Thursday, 11 October 2012

Weekending: IT Gilrs

Females and IT - who says that the two don't mix?

Have a great weekend, folks, and we'll see each other next week. 

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Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Kate & Pippa Middleton: Tit Contest

Which Middleton girl has the nicer tits, Kate at the top or Pippa down below?

I must be honest and say that the pair of 'em have pairs that are a bit on the small side. If like me you enjoy grabbing a bouncer in each hand, sticking your head between 'em and saying "Brrrrrrr," then you are going to be disappointed with those knockers.

On the other hand there is enough for the rider to grab hold of as he spurs his chosen filly down the final furlong to glory.

Waity Katie, or Perky Pippa - which one carries the set for you?

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Book Cover Tales

Do you like the covers to Good Times With Girls? I do and that is why I chose 'em. The one on the top is for the paperback version and the lower photo shows the front cover for the e-book. That way you can tell which version you are reading... Ahem...

I wish that Amazon would get it though their heads that these two version exist and stop using the e-cover for the paperback as well. I suppose that the problem with these on-line companies is that actually getting to speak to a real live human is not the easiest thing in the world.

Wish me luck at getting the problem sorted out - but don't let it stop you buying the book in either version!

Monday, 8 October 2012

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Kate Middleton, Again!

What are we to say about Kate Middleton? When she is not flashing the old upskirt for our perving pleasure she is strutting around naked at some French holiday resort or other.

Consider these photos as a case in point. Above she is shamelessly showing her knickers as she climbs out of a car, allowing us a rather nice pussy glimpse it must be said.

On the left as she walks with Baldin' Billy she allows her skirt to float up in the breeze, thus giving us a shot of rather nice yellow panties

This is a terrible way to behave and we at Uncle Nick's College for Wayward Young Ladies have no hesitation in awarding her a damned fine Order of the Burning Buttocks, well laid on!

Come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Friday, 5 October 2012

Weekending: Turd World Titters

This is why we call it the third world, because it is so third fucking rate as this shot from Dubai Airport proves!

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Kate Middleton's Bare Bottom Photos

The Kate Middleton bare bottom shots are starting to come out thanks to Se Og Hoer, a Danish magazine. No, I don't know how you pronounce that either, and I suspect that you sneeze it.

Why cares? Thanks to the Danes for giving us a shot of a very smackable bottom indeed, and who will be the first to let us see the full frontal view?

Monday, 1 October 2012

Book Title Competition: Win A Free Copy!

Do you want a free copy of my next book, along with a mention in its dedication? If so, all you have to do is come up with a title for it. The one that I choose wins the prize so best of luck to all of you. I aim to get it out by November so we do not have much time, and thinking caps need to be firmly in place on noggins.

The book will look at how the spanking scene has changed over the past forty years or so and look ahead to the future. We start off with my time as a writer in the 1970s and 1980s, followed by one which will give a behind the scenes look at video making in Britain and Mexico. Then we look at how the scene began to change with people participating more, and the changes in spanking parties will be used as a case study. Originally they were like cabaret performances, but now they are very much a hands on event. Finally I want to consider the world as it is today, which is to say the blogs, Facebook, and the growth of self-publishing, all of which have made for a much more participatory scene than was the case when I started all those years ago.

It will run to about 20,000 words, and I have not yet decided if it will just appear as an e-book or whether I shall print it up as a booklet as well. 

Drop me a line with your suggestions or leave a comment in the box.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Book Review: Diary of a Submissive

I went to WH Smith's in Manchester the other day to buy a Kobo e-book reader, and I saw that the entrance to the shop was pretty much stuffed with erotica. Sophie Morgan's Diary of a Submissive caught my eye and I began to flip through it. The rather sweet blonde girl who was selling me the Kobo offered to let me have The Diary of a Submissive for £3.00 or so, and on impulse I let her load it onto my new toy.

Sophie Morgan's book is advertised as the words of a genuine submissive, but I have my doubts about that. In fact, I have my doubts that the writer is even a woman, and for two reasons:

Firstly, she fills the book with references to her "arse" and her "slit." Those are very masculine nouns and women tend to avoid using such vulgarities. It is not proof positive that the writer is a man, but as I read through the book, the heavy emphasis on vulgar euphemisms made me suspect that it might be.

Secondly, women are good at describing emotions, and men shine when it comes to descriptions of actions. This book is excellent in the descriptive category, but lacks an awful lot of the emotion that women just excel at writing. Speaking as a writer of erotica myself, I could have written this book, but there is no way on earth that I could ever have turned out Fifty Shades of Grey. It is the difference between a female writing style and a male.

Being of a curious bent, I began to investigate this authoress and her work further. It turns out that the book was first issued by Xcite Books in 2010 as Subtext: A Modern Day Tale Of Female Submission, by Kate Marley. By all accounts the earlier version was marketed as a new Story of O, with no claims being made that it was a memoir.

Aside from the change of title and name of the authoress, there are some other changes to the two versions. The main dominant in Subtext is called Josh and for some reason he becomes James in the Diary of a Submissive. He also becomes very rich and Sophie Morgan starts to blush a lot as well as roll her eyes, thus earning more discipline. A cynic would argue that Penguin bought the rights to this work of fiction and the writer added those Fifty Shades of Grey details, before the whole thing was then punted out as a memoir, rather than a novel.

It could very well be that my fears are groundless and what we have here is a genuine submissive who writes like a man, chose to change her pen name and add some details to her manuscript that seem to have been lifted from Fifty Shades.

On the other hand this book could just be a novel...

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Naughty Secretaries' Paddle

I want one of these! It is hard to believe that people alive today - like me for instance - can remember when these little implements were openly sold as novelty items. Of course everyone pretended that they were just jokes, but enough secretaries really did feel a hard male hand when their work fell below par to make me wonder if this paddle was ever used in earnest.

Cheers: Chross

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Good Times With Girls: now out on Kindle

I'm pleased to report that Good Times With Girls is now available as an Amazon Kindle, thus the people sat next to you on the tube do not need to know what you are reading!

The price was set at £4.99, but for some reason Amazon have upped it to £5.14, but I will not argue with them over 15p. For a fiver this is damned fine value and not to be sniffed at.

Do you like the different covers for the electronic and paperback versions? That was my idea, but just about everything else was down to dear old Raven who damn near worked her tits off yesterday to make this version of the book available for your perving pleasure. Funnily enough, most of that hard work was done whilst I was tucked up in bed, snoozing gently. I would like to say that I feel guilty about that, but I cannot lie to you. What would we do without women, eh? We would have to domesticate some other wild animal, I suppose, and that would be a lot of work.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Good Times With Girls is available from Amazon

Amazon have announced that Good Times With Girls is now available to pre-order from them. My information is that orders placed in this way helps to speed up the whole process of getting my latest masterpiece onto Amazon's virtual shelves ASAP, which is to say PDQ.

So please put in your order and it should arrive by the first week in October. On the other hand if you absolutely have to have this latest edition to my magna opera in your hot little hands right now - and I don't blame you in the least- then click on over to and grab your copy there!

Monday, 17 September 2012

More of Kate Middleton naked

Dunno why young baldie has his hand covering Katie's bare bottom, but he has. Quite what he is doing is anyone's guess - finger fucking her, perhaps? Is that a tube of lube that I see in his other paw? We shall probably never know.

People have criticised us for running these delightful shots, but we argue that the public has a right to see their future queen-consort's tits and arse on display for the delectation and delight of her future subjects. Or something...

Yes, that's it!

Friday, 14 September 2012

Weekending: Kate Middleton Topless Photos

It's not just Prince Harry who likes to flash his crown jewels as now Princess Kate has been snapped getting her tits out for the lads. Well, getting them out for Balding Billy and any photographer who happened to be in the area with a long lens.

Back in April last year this blog was forced to award Waity Katie an Order of the Burning Buttocks for the disgraceful way in which she flashed the old upskirt to all and sundry. Clearly our well meaning strictures were ignored as now we have this shameless display from the brazen hussy.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Good Times With Girls is now available

Good Times With Girls is now available at a special introductory price of just £7.99 from It will be available by the end of the month at Amazon, and the e-versions will also emerge this month.

You can read the introduction here.  The book follows on from A Spanking Good Life, and takes my spanking stories bang up to date. If you are a lover of genuine tales of recalcitrant females who just have to be taken across a man's knee and taught to mind their manners then you will love Good Times With Girls.

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