Wednesday, 29 August 2012

New Book Update

Good Times With Girls will now appear as a paperback in late September, with the e-book coming out at around the same time. Things move fast in the publishing world at times and I am now expecting my proof copy of the book about the middle of September. That being so the book should be available by the end of the month!

Thursday, 23 August 2012

New Book: Good Times With Girls

My latest book, Good Times With Girls, is now in the final pre-production stage and should be out as an e-book in September, with the paperback following in October or November.

I get on well with the good time girls of this world and this book details my entanglements with eight of these little darlings. My preference has always been for the cold-eyed, tight-skirted little slapper on the make, and there are plenty of them in the book. Bless them, they bet their juicy pussies against my wallet and ended up nursing sore backsides as well as stretched pussies.

Another type of minger on the make will be found within these pages - the girl who has some crisis or other and who thinks that opening her legs for an entire city will make her desirable or something. Don't ask me to explain the female mind as all I care about is her body, and not her motivations, but I'll introduce you to a couple of this type inside the book.

So stick around, please, and you'll get more information just as soon as I have it!

Monday, 20 August 2012

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Pussy Riot

I am really annoyed at the Pussy Riot trio who have just been banged up for two years in a Russian prison for their antics. On the one hand freedom of speech is under attack everywhere, not least in Britain, so we have to support these three middle class dilettantes, even though they make our flesh crawl.

What happened was fairly straightforward, the girls performed their routine in the street and were ignored. So they went to the most sacred building in the Orthodox Church, the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour, destroyed by Stalin and rebuilt lovingly in 2000. The church authorities slung them out so they went onto Plan C which involved releasing a video of the cathedral stunt on the web. Suitably provoked the government arrested them and the rest is history.

Did they have the right to protest? Yes, of course, and nobody objected when they did that in the street. It is the fact that they then desecrated the cathedral which complicates matters. The prosecution seems justified on those grounds, but sentencing these silly little girls to prison for two years is disproportionate and looks like political vindictiveness.

Far better to release them now as a gesture of clemency, and hopefully someone will take the three of them in hand, strip them of skirts, knickers and dignity and smack their bare backsides until they are the colour of ripe tomatoes.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Three saucy young madams

I was strolling through Burnley on Monday afternoon wearing a nice wide brimmed panama hat and a Mexican guayabera shirt, a type that has four pockets, plenty of pleats and is worn outside the trousers. I sauntered past three tasty bits of talent, all in their very late teens or early twenties and my eyes perved the three of 'em as I wandered along.

"Who the fucking hell are you looking at, Paki?"

I stopped, drew myself up to my full height and turned around to face the female miscreant in question: "Do I look like  wily oriental gentleman to you?"

"Ooer, my grandad says that about Pakis," replied the sauce madam in question.

"Congratulations, you have confused both my race and my age, which is not bad going in thirty seconds. Any more insults or shall I just take your knickers down here and now?"

The three reprobates all broke out in giggles at that, and before they had a chance to dig themselves even deeper in the mire I asked how the hell they could confuse an Englishman with one of those people who have so enriched our culture with their presence, or something?

"I couldn't see your head because of the hat and you look a bit Paki with the shirt hanging outside your trousers like that," explained the mouthy one who had started this conversation in the first place.

"Do I look like I am wearing my fucking jim-jams on the street?"

"Sorry for my mistake," madam breathed.

"So I can get back to perving three tasty bits of talent without being so insulted again?"

"Course you can, love," said the one with the seriously large boobs.

I noticed that she was carrying a book. Could it be? Yes it was - Fifty Shades of Grey. Feeling that my birthday had arrived early I handed out my card to all three and told 'em that the hero in that work of fiction had nothing on me.

Then I continued to saunter, forcing myself not to turn and look around as we don't want the female of the species to get too cocky, do we, chaps?

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Moonglow Publishing Ltd

Moonglow Publishing Ltd began trading yesterday, so let's hope that this latest addition to the publishing world is a success. The house will take my works and the call is now out for manuscripts. You can read the writers' guidelines here, and if you want to get in touch with Moonglow Publishing directly their e-mail address is:

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Katy Perry

Popster Katy Perry was at California's Raging Waters Park and gave everyone a raging blue-veiner as her bikini bottom came loose. Luckily  a photographer was around to capture the moment for posterity.

That said, these girls really do need to be taught how to maintain their modesty, and the easiest way to do it is to strip them off that modesty along with their knickers for a bare bottomed blistering.

Monday, 13 August 2012

Farewell to the Olympics, and all that tasty talent

I despair of this world, I really do. NBC are the American television company that had the rights to broadcast the London Olympics and they came up with this rather nice little video for everyone's perving pleasures. Alas, various mouthy feminists got in on the act and the engagingly titled Bodies in Motion was pulled from the website. What these silly birds don't realise is that for most of us it isn't about the glory of sport, it's about drooling over decent pussy. I don't know about you, but I have no interest in the men's Wimbledon competition, but I will quite happily settle back and watch the miniskirted girls knock tennis balls about. Unless, of course, it's the Williams sisters.

The Mexican understand the power of the perv only too well. Consider Julia Orayen who was chosen as a hostess for the 2012 presidential election debates. She was told to wear a long white dress so she did - what more could anyone ask for? The fact that she is a former Playboy centrefold only made the whole event even more hilarious, but at least it ensured that all the remaining debates got great viewing figures.

Julia is from Argentina, by the way, but that did not stop the Mexicans giving her centre stage in one of their presidential debates. Here she is being perved by a red-blooded Mexican as she leaves the television studio:

Who cares what these girls can do when the only thing we are interested in is what we would like to do to them?

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

A tale to savour

I went along to my local Tesco yesterday to buy a copy of Sylvia Day's Bared To You, which is being plugged as the latest 50 Shades. I grabbed my copy and went to a checkout to pay for it. The middle aged woman behind the till smiled as she looked at my purchase and I asked her if it was any good? She replied that it was similar to 50 Shades and that she had read it at one sitting and thought it was great. She went on to explain that the authoress plans to write more in the series and my checkout woman couldn't wait for the next one.

With a smile on my lips I told her who I was and gave her my card with the suggestion that she look me up on Amazon. She asked for the title of my book and I told her that it was A Spanking Good Life...  Well, she did ask, didn't she?

Is it just me or is there something surreal about Tesco checkout women fantasising about having their bottoms smacked?

Monday, 6 August 2012

Fifty Shades Text Generator

Wanna write some Fifty Shades of Grey porno but you find it hard to sit down and churn out the type of prose that the women just love as they feel their panties moistening? Now you don't have to thanks to this 50 Shades generator. Just click on over there and generate your own sexy text all ready to slot into whatever prose you have cobbled together to link the sex scenes together.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Weekending: Naughty Secretary 4

The caption looks wrong to this 1950s cartoon, with the guy saying "I've spanked many a secretary, but your're the first one to cry for more," especially when he is pointing to his knee as if to order her to take up the traditional position across it. More likely this cartoon has been run before with the original caption reading "you're the first one to cry before the spanking," which would be more logical and funnier.

Still, it's a nice scene, with the humour reliant on the fact that whilst not all secretaries got spanked, enough did to make the cartoon credible.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Rules for Writers

Raven reports that she has been receiving some good manuscripts and she plans to spend the weekend looking through them. The problem is that one submission has already had to be rejected because of content. Folks, the rules are very simple: No schoolgirls, or any other character under the age of 18. It's a pity that this has had to be done, as the story was pretty good by all accounts, but the new business is still very small and does not have the resources to fight any legal actions.

To avoid any more problems here are the simple, easy to understand rules of the house:

Any legal theme will be considered and a work of historical fiction will be received  with the same enthusiasm as your sexy memoirs. A novel length manuscript should be between 50,000 and 80,000 words, but we will consider novelettes of between 20,000 and 40,0000 words. Short stories should be in the 4,0000 to 8,0000 word range.

Please use double quotation marks for speech, and single ones for quotes within speech. Foreign words and whatever needs to be emphasised should be done in italics. Please keep your formatting to an absolute minimum, with no headers, footers or page breaks inserted into the manuscript.

Your manuscript must be submitted as either a Word or RTF document.

The following is non-negotiable:

1. No character under the age of 18. In fact, don't even refer to people under that age at all, and that includes ancillary characters. Just pretend that young people do not exist.

2. No rape. You can use pseudo rape if you wish, where the "victim" is shown to be consenting in some way. How you show that consent is up to you, but the decision on its acceptability is up to us and our lawyers.

3. No incest. We will consider pseudo incest, between step relatives.

3. No bestiality.

4. No skat.

5. No branding or other permanent damage. How's that for easy? Off you go!
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