How to spot an internet fake

The internet is crawling with wannabes and fakes. I cannot give you much advice on how to deal with the former, but since I have just seen off a fake, I reckon that I am pretty much an expert in spotting those people, hence tonight's bit of wisdom.

What is the difference between them? The fakes are on-line constructs, usually men pretending to be women so that they can get their rocks off at your expense. The wannabes are real people who either lose their nerve at the last minute or are prick teasers who get all moist at the anguish that they cause. Raven Red was duped by a wannabe last year, as was I. Hers was a man who lost his nerve when he realised that a real live woman was about to descend upon him, whereas I spent the merry month of May last year becoming involved with a woman who got her kicks from taking industrial quantities of cock up her, and then trying to prick tease me with her exploits. Spotting these people is difficult if not impossible and the best you can hope for is not to get mad but to get even, which is what I do every time I give out a link to my little prick teaser.

By and large you can spot a fake almost from the start, if keep your wits about you. Usually they take the identity of the sweet young girl of your dreams and they contact you on either Facebook or something similar. Here are Uncle Nick's three rules of spotting them:

1. Does the girl come over as being the stuff that fantasies are made out of? That is probably because she is, she's a fantasy created by someone, and if you doubt that just ask yourself how many 18 year old girls, say, are willing to make all the sexy running that this one is doing with you. Just doesn't ring true does it? Remember, people, that if something is too good to be true then it usually is.

2. How many friends does your new playmate have on Facebook? A dozen or so? Most fakes do not have the hundreds of friends that real girls have. Leading on from that how many photos do they have on their profile? Some girls only have a few, but most will have hundreds - it is the way that real girls are, and that is one thing that the fakes cannot copy, the hundreds of friends and photos that a genuine girl will fill her page with. Very well, you will certainly find real girls who don't have a lot of friends and photos, but they are the exception. However, the fakes never have many of either.

3. Demand to hear your new friend's voice. What has she got to hide if she is genuine? If she does not want to use her own telephone then tell her to use a call box, but insist on her making that call. This tactic is pretty much  guaranteed to get rid of every single fake. Don't listen to their bluster about how the time is not right, just tell them that the time is right now, baby, otherwise off is where you should tell them to fuck. Trust me, it is the one tactic that will separate the on-line wheat from the chaff.

Not difficult is it? So don't get caught out again!