Wanky Wednesday: Inmates 2

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A Spanking Good Life: Availability

I have good and bad news on the book availability front. If you are in the USA then relax as Amazon have stock in hand and can deliver in the usual time. In Britain things are a bit more complicated. Amazon UK are quoting up to eight weeks for a delivery, but never fear because the Book Depository have 130 copies in stock and can deliver in just a few days.

What has happened is a technical problem with the presses, and when that is fixed a small order like this one will just have to wait its turn as the big boys get their orders delivered first. An American firm has been contracted as an emergency, and Amazon UK will ship in stock from them.

I am trying to sort out my supply of books to sell at the London munch on the 30th of this month. All being well, people should be able to pick up a signed copy at that event.

A request from kindly old Uncle Nick

I looked at myself in the mirror, turned my head from side to side so that I could consider my features from every angle. Although I am no oil painting, try as I might I cannot see myself as a cunt. It is obvious that other people do see me that way, because cunts are there to be fucked and they are trying to fuck me. This posting is a gentle plea for them to cease, desist and generally nark it.

It all started last Thursday - yes, it's as recent as that - when a girl rang me up and we ended up having a spot of phone sex. Well, she had the phone sex, as I was having a shit, but never mind that now. The thing that turned her on was A Spanking Good Life, which is fair enough, since it was partly written as pussy bait. Anyway, she had her climax, I got a posting for the blog, and both of us were happy with that. However, since then no fewer than three girls have been in touch, all seeking discipline and all expecting to get away unfucked from the experience.

Part of me thinks that this is all rather sweet, and then the realist in me kicks in and a nasty voice tells me that the little mingers are trying it on. One little darling even had it in her little mind that I was going to drive all the way to Nottingham, rent a hotel room, smack her bottom for being the naughty little girl that she is, and then leave having done my paternal duty. This whole concept of Uncle Nick as a cunt that all and sundry can fuck is so double plus ungood as to be unbelievable.

Girls, what can I say? Just nark it, OK?

Getting the priorities right

What is left to be said? For most people it was a major crisis meeting, but  Silvio Berlusconi managed to lighten the atmosphere with his obvious admiration of the rear end of Argentina's President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner at the Cannes summit on Thursday.

The delights of phone sex

Every morning I perform my ritual of breakfast, newspapers and then heroic shit. I take both my mobile phones, the house phone and a book to the lavatory, settle myself down with the handsets splayed around, read the book, and let whatever is inside me pass freely forth. I am sure that all men would agree with me when I say that a good crap is the second best bodily function that a man can have.

So there I was, patiently waiting for my thing to happen when a text arrived on my kinky phone:

"R U the writer of spanking good life?"

I replied that I was and a flurry of texts were then sent backwards and forwards, with the girl on the other end eventually announcing that she felt "really sexy" and did I want to play? Before I had time to answer another text arrived with a number and the words "call me." Nice guy that I am I did just as I had been asked and got to speak to Sophie, who sounded like a mid-20s type of girl.

"I am wet," she told me without any preamble.

"Good," I replied. Have you got a toy?"

"Yes, my bullet vibrator - want me to use it?"

"Yes, imagine it's my cock, driving home inside you."

So off she went and from the sound she was making she was obviously having a great time.

"Can you hear me? I am doing it, " she squealed. "Are you playing with yourself?"

It was not my fault, ladies and gentlemen. It was the Devil's fault! He was sat by my side whispering wickedness into my ear, and doing things to my bowels. For just at that moment, a sphincter wrenching turd of monumental proportions began to leave my  innermost workings and make its way out to the open air. I took a deep breath and prepared to experience the nearest equivalent that a man can have to the act of giving birth:

"Aaaah!"

"You are doing it! I can hear you! Me too!"

"Yeees," I roared as gravity took over and the arse widening turd began its descent into the bog bowl.

"I am loving this,"  Sophie yelped. "Tell me what you are doing."

" I am with you," the Devil made me mutter. "With you all the way, and ready to shoot."

"Come with me! Come with me! Let me hear you!"

I exhaled deeply and Sophie took that as a sign that I had shooting my load, and a minute or two later, and accompanied by a lot of squeals, she reached her moment of joy. Then without further ado she hung up and that was that!

To be honest I don't mind a bit - just so long as Sophie doesn't object if she reads this and discovers that instead of shooting my load I was actually dumping it.

A Spanking Good Life, sells out!

Amazon UK  managed to sell out their entire stock of A Spanking Good Life on Monday, the first day that it was available in this country. Don't get me wrong - I am seriously chuffed that people are buying my epic of amatory and disciplinary delights, but having to answer e-mails from people who want to know when it will be back in stock is difficult because I don't know myself.

What seems to have happened is that the printers ran off a preliminary lot of books which everyone assumed would be enough to meet demand until the full run could be printed, collated, packed up and sent off. That was not the case and everyone is now standing around, waiting for the new copies to arrive.

The best bet is early next week, but if that changes then I shall immediately report the news here.

Wanky Wednesday: Crime at St. Thomas' School

 

Today's totally free Wanky Wednesday download is The Crime at St. Thomas' School, a real trouser-tightening, zip-busting, cock-throbbing piece of spanko porno. Download the video, unpack the lube and settle back to stroke one off courtesy of your friendly old Uncle Nick!

The day Mary Churchill was spanked

The Daily Telegraph reports that Mary Soames, the last surviving child of Sir Winston Churchill, has finally written her memoirs. I wonder if the spanking she received in the summer of 1942 from a certain Bill "Feets" Adams features in the work? Bill was the proud owner of an enormous pair of hooves and Mary teased him about them at a dance, so Bill put her across his knee and administered a spanking. By all accounts it was not the soundest spanking a mouthy young madam has ever received, but thirty or so smacks, in public, is not something that she is likely to forget - so does it feature in the book or not?

We know about the event because a New York Times reporter was on hand and his story was picked up by the news wires and ran across the USA. The story features what must be the best quote of all time when one of the participants stated the bleeding obvious that Mary "seemed embarrassed" by being put across the knee of a man she had only just met and then having her bottom smacked in front of a cheering crowd of onlookers.

Funnily enough, the spanking even reached British government circles, with some quite senior civil servants discussing whether Mary's paddling should be kept out of the British press or not. I have not seen any accounts of the event in the British papers, so it probably was censored. Quite why they wanted to do that is unclear, so I shall contact the library at Churchill College, Cambridge, and have the files photocopied and sent up to me. Stay tuned for further details.

In the meantime, according to the review of Mary Soames' memoirs, the lady has been assiduous in keeping a diary since she was 12 years old. If the book does not refer to the spanking then it must be that the authoress is still embarrassed by it almost 70 years after the event - a spanking that served its purpose, obviously!

Knocking me for six

I was chatting to Raven last night and she commented about a woman in South Africa who uses her real name and photos on her kinky Facebook page. I replied that my photos were genuine too, even though I use my pen name on the site. Pulling heavily on her cigarette, Raven replied thoughtfully:

"Yes, but you don't give a shit, do you?"

There are times when women leave me speechless: that was one.

A Spanking Good Life is out as a paperback!

A Spanking Good Life is now available via Amazon.com in the USA as a paperback for $17.95. Cheap at twice the price, says genial old Uncle Nick.

It has also arrived at Amazon UK for £13.99, but other sellers have it at a seriously reduced price.

Please buy it!

Wanky Wednesday: Gestapo 2

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Return of the Sugar Daddy

Much to the annoyance of the BBC - and presumably the liberal middle class who are its main consumers - the sugar daddy is making a comeback in a big way. An American company is planning to bring its sugar daddy parties across the Atlantic, parties that allow middle aged chaps to meet sweet young things. And it is interesting that the number or girls attending outnumbers men by a considerable amount at those events.

At this point some jealous females who feel the sands of time ebbing away will go into catty mode and say that the girls are only after the money: tell me something I don't know, says kindly Uncle Nick. The guys are after the tight young pussy and the felines want the money. These are matches made in heaven...

Actually, it is a bit more complicated than that, if you think about it. Throughout history, men and women have treated marriage as a business transaction and it is only fairly recently that the emotion nonsense has been allowed to get in the way of a good deal being cut. A young woman offers her beauty, household skills and fecundity to an older man, and in return he gives her status, comfort and protection as the wife or woman of a successful man. Obviously there has to be an understanding that the women must be faithful since the agreement hinges upon his acceptance that the children of the union are his and not some other man's bastards. Nevertheless, this arrangement whereby each partner brought into the union their respective offerings is one that has lasted down the millennia.

It still exists in most of the world, but in the west it was thought to have died. Today, however, as the wheels are about to come off the runaway train that is globalised capitalism, the more intelligent women are casting around for a lifebelt, which is why the idea of a sugar daddy suddenly seems as if its time has come around again.

Writing as a man, the future looks interesting from our point of view, doesn't it, chaps? I am a newly published author, which gives me a modicum of status, but alas I do not have any money. On the other hand that allows time for today's little girls to reach their late teens or early twenties by the time Daddy Nick has repaired his fortune and is ready to receive them.

Then it will be:

Come here, you naughty little girls: you know that you deserve this!

A Spanking Good Life is out as an e-book!

A Spanking Good Life is now available as a download for the Kindle. You can get it at Amazon.co.uk for £9.33 or if you prefer to pay in dollars, then Amazon.com has it for $14.89. Don't ask me how those prices came to be set - I only wrote the damn thing!

The paperback should be available in a week or two, in the meantime get your Kindle copies from the above links.

Sean Connery: spanking man!

I was chatting to Raven about Sean Connery a while back and she reported that he makes her knees go weak. I wonder how she feels about him now that it has emerged that he is a spanking man?

It is interesting that Barbara Walters who carried out this interview some years ago clearly tried to embarrass Connery with the question and failed quite spectacularly in that aim. Something which she implicitly admits at the end when she points out just how long Sir Sean and Lady Connery have been married.

You can tell a book by its cover - at least if it's mine!

Here it is, folks - the front and back cover of A Spanking Good Life. I must say that I like it; a simple design that tells the reader what the book is going to be about. Not a subtle cover, but not so vulgar or in-your-face that people might not want to have the book on their shelves. All in all a good piece of graphic design, in my humble opinion.

Needless to say, I keep going back and looking at it...

A Spanking Good Life; the front cover

Here is the front cover of my book - what do you think? 

The ball is now back in my court as I have to do a final proofread of the manuscript and then we are ready to rock and roll! I will send the final corrections in over this coming weekend, and with luck the book will be available from Amazon by the middle of November. The ISBN is 978-1-61098-190-3.

I am within touching distance of being a published author!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan, you have persistently and wilfully broken the terms of your probation and this court has no alternative but to award you a sentence that will remain in your mind long after the marks have left your bottom. It is the judgement of this court that you be taken immediately to the punishment room and there given 12 strokes of the senior cane across your bare bottom. Take her down...

If only it were thus. As it is all we can really do is award this insolent young madam an Order of the Burning Buttocks and hope that word of it gets through to her and that it encourages her to mend her ways.

Guest Posting: The Slut

Do you have a story to tell? Whether it is fact or fiction, just send it to me at strictuncle@gmail.com, and if I like it  I will gladly publish it here.

This fantasy was written by Venus de Minuit from London. She can be contacted on venusdeminuit@gmail.com: 

I broke into your house last time, but this time the door is open. I walk into your bedroom. I’m wearing a tiny skirt, ankle socks and high heels. They’re red and shiny. I stand in front of you as I suck on a lollipop. You raise your eyebrows. You’re older. This makes me want you more than before.

I walk past you and I sit down in the chair in the corner of the room. You don’t look very impressed with me. I open my legs and you can see I’m wearing tight, white knickers. You can see the shape of my pussy through them. I look at you, sulkily. You take me in slowly from head to toe. We’ve met before, you smile. I’m wearing a white top with no bra on and you can see my nipples are hard and sticking up under the material.

We look at each other. Come here, you little slut, you say. I come over and you pat your knee. I sit down on it and you groan. I cross my legs and dangle my shoe from my foot. I want to fuck that little cunt of yours, do you hear? I nod as I look into your eyes and suck on my lollipop. You look down at my heels whilst you rub my thighs. You’re such a little fucking tease. And you’re a dirty little bitch. Hungry for my cock, eh? I nod, eagerly. Back to your chair, bitch, you growl. I sit down, and open my legs slowly. I continue sucking and licking my lollipop whilst we look at each other. You’re a little slut but I know you’ve got such a sweet little pussy, you smile.

As you look at me I move my fingers down to my knickers. I start to rub myself through them. No, not this, no, you sigh. You shake your head. Stop it, you dirty little bitch. I move my hands away and you can see a wet patch on my knickers. Fuck sake, you mutter through your teeth. You come over to the chair. You kiss me tenderly. You run your fingers slowly over my tits. Take your knickers off and open your legs, wide. I do as you tell me. I want you so bad, I whisper. Yes, I know, you smile. Your cunt is quite a demanding little cunt. I’ll have to deal with it.

You pick up some small clamps from the desk. They have metal teeth in them. You walk over and bend down between my legs. You open me and I sigh as you rub slightly against my clit. You put three clamps on each of my pussy lips. I flinch as you put on each one. This will help to keep that greedy little cunt under control. Oh fuck, I whisper as the pain grows and wetness starts to dribble out of me. You sit on the bed and watch me. Rub that clit, you dirty little bitch. I finger myself and move my clit hood round and round and back and forwards. Fuck, it hurts. Fuck. The mix of the pain and my erect clit makes me want you even more. You smile. You undo your belt and tell me to stand up and turn around. You need a good seeing to first, so stick your arse out. Up in the air. That’s right.

You start to whip me with your belt. The pain makes my head spin and my cunt wetter. You count three strokes and then you rub my cheeks. You give me three more. You tell me to sit down. You kiss my wet eyes. You kneel between my legs. Mmmm, let me have a taste of this naughty little pussy, you whisper. You lick my clit with long strokes and tongue fuck me. Delicious little cunt, you moan as you eat me. You take the clamps off my pussy lips and pull your cock out. You kiss each of my heels and put my legs over your shoulders. You want my cock, eh, you greedy little bitch? You start to fuck me really hard. And then you fuck me really slowly. You bend down to kiss me gently. You know that this is the best way for me to deal with you, you say into my ear. You kiss me hard, your tongue down my throat as you push into me. Rub it, you dirty little bitch, you whisper. I look at your face as I rub my clit. Your cock is so hard in me. You watch me come as I look at your eyes. They start to close. You fuck me harder and I kiss you as you sigh into my mouth. I feel you push your orgasm inside me. It makes me want to come again.

 About Venus de Minuit:

I am a sexual explorer, fantasist and dream visitor who is compelled to share my experiences with you. Everything written here has been experienced or felt. I cannot write it if I don't feel it.

My writing is for everyone that I meet every day and for anyone who wants to know me. All the ordinary people with worlds below the surface.

I am all at once sexually extraordinary, ordinary and very, very sexy.

Wanky Wednesday: Ancient Regime 2

Say what you like about the Eastern Europeans, but they sure know how to lay on the cane:

That is certainly true of Mood Pictures from Hungary, where the buttocks are stripped and whipped, and the girls whimper pityingly:

Download Ancient Regime 2 by clicking this link!

Yet More Foolish Facebook Girls

 

I have said it before and I will say it again: there is something about girls, cameras and Facebook that makes every girl seem to want to be an exhibitionist. Take these firm buttocked lovelies as a case in point. God knows who they are but I know what needs to be said to each and every one of them:

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Yulia Tymoshenko

At the suggestion of a correspondent, an Order of the Burning Buttocks is hereby awarded to Yulia Tymoshenko, of Ukraine. Alas the award cannot be administered for at least seven years because that's how long the lady has been sentenced to prison on corruption charges. However, when she gets out, then here is one large Slav rump that needs to sting.

Normally I don't bother about the lands beyond the Oder-Niesse Line that are known collectively as the Great Slav Wasteland, but there is something about Yulia that makes me want to break my rule.

Maybe it is the ludicrous hairstyle - a fake, by the way - or the sense of arrogant entitlement that the bloody woman had until her recent downfall. Whatever the reason, the only thing that remains to be said is:

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

On being an (almost) published author

The contract for my book arrived on Friday and has now been signed and is ready to be returned to the American publisher. This means that A Spanking Good Life should be available to buy from Amazon at the end of November.

I went along to a council run internet cafe and printed up the contract. I showed it to the women behind the counter and told her what it was. Her eyes lit up and she started asking questions twenty to the dozen, questions which I thought it politic to evade, given the small town and its mores.

Still, it was quite a delight to be the centre of her world for a moment or so and I am now quite looking forward to attending the odd munch and dropping the information that I am about to become a published author into the conversation.

Let's hear it for naked news!

This has nothing to do with la cosa nostra, but it has seriously tickled my funny bone so I am running a clip here. Naked News is a Canadian based outfit which presents the news in a rather different way to everyone else.

I don't care what people say: it really is a man's world, isn't it?

More Thoughts on Stupidity

Last night's posting led to some interesting responses,  with a fellow from Newcastle writing in to say:

I read your blog; so its not just me who comes across girls like that !!!!!!! I was told by one that she did not want to betray him... Funny that she was naked and very wet but that is not betraying him..... My finger don't count as a sign of betrayal?

A London reader wrote in to say:

I have stopped meeting girls through Facebook. They either do not turn up or they come out with nonsense like this...

Another man wrote in to offer his congratulations, so that makes three private comments to one posting, which is a record of some kind for the blog. Quite why none of them left their remarks in the comment box is unclear, but all of them insisted that if I did post their words then I should not identify them by name.

It is nice that a post strikes a chord, and it does appear as if my experiences are common across the board. To a certain extent that is understandable: women are a manipulative bunch and they get juicy at the thought of forcing men to bend to their wills. The question is why are so many of them getting away with this game? Surely if a submissive woman runs into a dominant man, then he should be calling the shots? 

Sorry, but I am blaming the fellows here. Far too many of you are doing nothing more than role playing and you may be very, very good when you adopt your headmaster's persona, but it is nothing more than an act and the women can see right though it, so of course they can take you for a ride. You deserve it.

Far better to stop playing games, remember what your balls are for, and then stop taking shit.

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Pippa Middleton Yet Again!

What can we say about Pippa Middleon that hasn't already been said a thousand times already? Here she is in a nice but pretty boring pose on the left, but look below and see her in all her provocative glory.

Pippa you are a saucy young madam. Now come here: you know that you deserve this!

Thoughts on Stupidity

Yesterday was a fairly rotten day with a depressing amount of rain that was made worse by a depressing amount of female stupidity. To add to my irritation, when I related my tale of woe to Raven Red all I got were hoots of raucous laughter and demands for more information.

A woman in her early thirties e-mailed me from the East-Midlands and following a very brief exchange of mails she rang me on the telephone. Her number was withheld, which is a good sign that she was being serious about all this. The story she told was of a need for discipline as a father disciplines his little girl, and I was only too pleased to slap the phone on to the speakers and chat to her whilst my sausages, bacon and beans were crackling away in the pan.

I was just about to toss a couple of slices of bread into the pan to fry 'em up in the grease when a thought came to mind, which I hastened to share with madam:

"I wonder how it will be when you are all nice and subdued? Will I be looking at your face, all tear-stained, or admiring my handiwork on your rump as I have you doggie fashion?"

There was a sort of pregnant silence at that moment, which I took to be a pause for thought whilst she considered the situation, but I was wrong, wasn't I?

"What type of woman do you think I am?"

"Well, the type who needs her bottom smacking until she is nice and well behaved and ready to be fucked by me."

That was it. Fucking Chernobyl had nothing on that minger as she went critical. I was abusive, a complete shit, I wanted to take advantage of her - fellas, you should have heard the dialogue, it was straight out of a soap opera. I did try to tell her that she did not need to worry as I was not looking for a relationship as I have been involved with Raven for quite some time now. A quickie would be fine by me, but do you think she was mollified by that? No, of course she wasn't.

It was obvious from her comments that madam had gone into manipulation mode and was trying to make me defensive so that I would start apologising and she could then press home her advantage, but I am far too old a dog for that:

"Listen, darlin', nobody is forcing you to do anything that you don't want to, but if you don't do as I tell you then trust me, if you catch fire, I won't cross the fucking street to piss on you to put the flames out."

I was trying to be nice to her and explain the situation, but she sort of began to make funny noises in her throat, so I gave up trying. Funnily enough, as I recounted the tale to Raven it was at that moment that she almost choked on her coffee, so I guess those words marked the climax of the conversation as it were.

She calmed herself down a bit and muttered something about having watched the videos through and through. I pointed out that the videos do not show the shaggings that took place after the shoots were over, but she could trust me when I say that all pussies were stretched. Again, I was just trying to be nice, but she sort of wailed:

"That's not what I need, and you have no right to force me to do what I don't want to do."

That was pretty much when I gave up. If the stupid woman could not understand basic English what more could I say? I  said goodbye to her and that was that.

Now this is not the first time that this stupidity has hit me. As I pointed out to Raven, I am getting sick and tired of brainless bitches trying to get me to dance to their tunes. That is one of the reasons why this archive site was set up last year as a way to warn off these little airheads. My theory is that they watch my videos, read what they want to read in the blog, and then write a sort of script with me as the stern but caring daddy who will correct their wilful behaviour more in sorrow than in anger.

What they are doing is role-playing. They write their script and then get into role and expect me to take up the role that they have written for me. Once the play is over, we all take our bows and leave the stage. Raven added to that the notion that I had never considered before which is that these women are engaged in a fantasy, which obviously has sexual connotations. However they don't think that far ahead so when they are brought face to face with that reality by my words, they run - or respond with aggression.

Well, girls, guess what? I don't play, and this is how I am all the time. If you want a strict daddy then there are any number of fellows who will play according to your wishes. However, get involved with me and you do as you are bloody well told and when you cross the invisible line then you get your backside warmed before being taken to bed.

Wanky Wednesday: Free Lupus Videos

I don't know how long this link will remain live, but at the moment it gives access to five full length Lupus videos! Click on over there and grab whatever you fancy, says kindly old Uncle Nick, who is really keen to get the Wanky Wednesdays off to a flying start!

Book Review: The Romance of Chastisement

The Romance of Chastisement; or, Revelations of School and Bedroom, by An Expert.

Delectus Classics of Erotic Literature, £19.95

This is one of the great underground classics, so it is to my eternal shame that I have to admit that I have only just read it. And I call myself a libertine...

As the scholarly introduction to the facsimile reprint of the 1888 edition makes clear, this work was originally published by John Camden Hotten in 1871. Hotten was famous for both his pornography and his thievery, being a man who would cheerfully pirate someone else's work, give it a new title and then publish it himself. Thus the version of how this work came into his grasping paws must be treated with some caution. A Nineteenth Century bibliographer, quoted in the introduction, claimed that a thousand copies were printed in Dublin and that Hotton bought 200 to sell in London. I am dubious about that claim since the work appears to be a compilation of short stories which may have circulated in pamphlet form in the London porno circuit of the day. The notion of Hotton paying for 200 copies is also highly unlikely - more probable would be him buying once copy and then pirating the rest. Since no complaints have come down to us of Irish publishers seeking redress, and since there is no record of the other 800 copies, the most likely explanation is that Hotton cobbled the work together himself from some already existing pamphlets.

To be fair to him, if that is what happened then he chose some rather nice works to print up in hardback form. The Romance of Chastisement is full of sweet young ladies who find themselves upended to feel the kiss of the cane or the birch rod's tickle across their bare bottoms. Victorian Pornography was expensive and was written for an upper class readership, so the work is literate and filled with Latin bon mots and French sentences.The modern reader is not going to get turned on with any Victorian work because tastes have changed so much over the last century, but The Romance of Chastisement is an amusing and well written excursion into the mind of the Victorian male.

Is it a must have for your collection? Yes, I would say that it is. The fact that it is so well written means that you can have it in your book case as a conversation piece if nothing else.

Raven's First Anniversary

Raven Red's blog is celebrating its first anniversary this weekend. Hard though it is to believe, but the good lady has been emoting now for 365 days. Please get over there and give her your good wishes.

September's Munch

Yesterday being the last Wednesday of the month about twenty of us all turned up at the Central Station bar in King's Cross for what has now become a regular afternoon munch. As regular readers will know your friendly correspondent is not into playing, so was quite happy to sit on the terrace bar glugging alcohol and chatting to all and sundry on that gorgeous afternoon with temperatures in the 80s.

I have Skype installed on my mobile so I called Raven Red in South Africa and then handed the 'phone around so that all her friends could speak to her. That done I settled back to drink another beer...

That said, there was a rather nice looking charmer in a tea dress who was sat chatting to two men and when the three of them went downstairs to the cellar I gave them five minutes to get into the swing of things and then wandered down to see what she looked like bare buttocked and undergoing correction.

They had her bent over, black panties down to her knees, and hands fixed to a St. Andrew's Cross that is a wall fixture. The session left her bottom a fiery red and standing directly behind her I was treated to the delightful sight of moss that glistened with late afternoon dew. I smiled and made the obvious assumption that one or the other would mount her, but they seemed to be content with increasing the fire in her bottom rather than extinguishing the one that had been lit between her thighs. 

I worry about the young people of today, I really do.

Glancing to my left I saw a young Japanese girl on her knees unbuckling the belt of a man of a man in his very late 50s who was standing in front of her. Thinking that she had been instructed to provide him with a postprandial desert as it were I wandered over to cast an eye over her blowjob technique. Alas for you, gentle reader, but she was preparing him for a spanking. 

So it isn't just the younger generation who I need to worry about...

How not to pull pussy

I was on the tube yesterday travelling into central London. A young mother was stood next to me with her baby in her arms, so I suggested that she sat down on the free seat next to mine. She misheard me and thought I was asking to hold the baby, which is why I ended up having a ten month old delight plonked onto my knee. She touched my moustache and was fascinated by my glasses and I bounced the little bundle up and down and made her giggle. When I looked up every woman in the carriage was smiling sweetly at me.

I remembered that 16 years ago I had been on a bus in Mexico with my eldest who was then just two years old and a girl had watched me playing with him and had then held him in her arms. We started chatting and the next day I bedded her, and since then I used each baby son as he arrived as pussy fodder, so I decided to chance my arm with a likely looking miniskirt on the tube yesterday.

As I go up to leave I gave her my card along with my self deprecating smile. she smiled rather nicely and I figured that it was a racing cert for a jump, but alas instead of the nice vanilla card I gave her the kinky one with the BDSM triskale which made her eyes widen:

However they almost fell out of her head when she turned the card over and read my quote from John Wilkes on the back:

She hasn't called me yet...

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Female Exhibitionists

I have mixed feelings about female exhibitionists who enjoy flashing their wares to the delight of their male audience. Part of me enjoys a good perv, but I am fully aware that this is prick teasing of the highest order and such behaviour cannot be allowed to go unpunished. So to all female flashers out there:

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Telegraph Censors "Commando" Pippa!

 

I cannot believe this! The Daily Telegraph gave its perving punters a report on Pippa Middleton's alleged commando moment at the London Fashion Week and then they decide to pull the piece. The story was ridiculous, as I demonstrated when I found the photo and ran it here - that's it reposted on the left. As you can see, perky Pippy is wearing her nicks like a good girl should and I pointed that out in the comment section to the piece and then sat back whilst the hit counter went through the roof. For two hours the hits just flooded in and then the story was culled and my dreams of a record breaking day died. 

Not to worry, as just to show all my new readers what a nice fellow I am, giving up my weekend with no thought of reward and all that, at the top of the post is yet another shot of Pippa flashing her gash for your perving pleasure, and on the right and below we have a very nice shot of Kate giving us a leer at her backside, rather fetchingly clad in yellow knickers. Don't ask me who the bald cove is walking with her.

Was Pippa Pantyless at London Fashion Week?

Was luscious Pippa Middleton pantyless when she took her front row seat during London Fashion Week? This is the question that the Daily Telegraph is asking and kindly old Uncle Nick went off and tracked down the photo which is alleged to show commando Pippa in action.

Hmm, looks like she is wearing panties to me. Damned shame because the rumours surrounding her previous knickerless state were impossible to ignore, so we were hoping for something more than a flash of white cotton.

Better luck next time!

Decisions, Decisions...

Order of the Burning Buttocks: the Scarlettjohanssoning gang

It's called Scarlettjohanssoning, and it's the latest internet craze that deserves a mention. Girls are copying Scarlett Johansson's  game with the camera, mirror and a nicely rounded bare rump.

 What can we say about this craze? Come here you naughty little girls: you know that you deserve this!

A spanking for Marina is on the cards

Back in May I posted a  piece on my spanking philosophy which created quite a bit of discussion. I ended that posting by saying that when women act up "they get spanked. Or they fuck off. One of the two."

Marina was a girl who chose to fuck off after playing up with me in December of last year. As regular reader of this hear blog will know, she is not the easiest women to have around and she is quite capable of having her fair share of female moments, but last December's antics were unique even for her. To say that I was fuming is putting it mildly and Marina was told that off is where she could fuck in no uncertain terms.

Bless her, but I find it hard to stay angry at the Moose - as I call her - because I know that sooner or later she will want something from me and will open negotiations with a view to getting that which she desires. She started trying to worm her way back into my good books in early spring when she left a few agreeable comments on the blog, but she sloped off when I made it plain that I was in no mood to forgive without punishment.

The Moose got in touch a few days ago and has accepted that she was naughty and that she will be eating her meals standing up and sleeping on her tum for a week, come December when I am in Mexico City.

Feeling rather warm and cuddly I told this tale to Raven and then said that maybe I would let the Moose off and just take her for a drink instead. I am sad to have to relate, but Raven burst out laughing at my remark.

Don't you just hate it when women get like that?

Oh, well, at least this only leaves me with one naughty little girl outstanding.

TV Spankings: Rawhide 3

This is the third episode of Rawhide, the 1960s horse opera, that had a spanking scene in it. Barbara Eden is the girlfriend of the bad guy who is trying to persuade the drovers to go and work for him.  Eric Fleming has other ideas, and the rest you can watch for yourself!

Whack To The Future?

The press is having a field day with the news that roughly half of Britain's parents support the reintroduction of corporal punishment into the country's schools and about twenty percent of their offspring share that view. You may argue that it is unfair for kids to get for free that which their elders pay good money to receive, but that is not the point, is it?

The point is that the ideologically pure at heart over at the Guardian are collectively giving birth to kittens at this news, something which is made even more hilarious by the paper's own poll which shows a quarter of its own readers are in favour of the application of rattan to rumps.

Readers of this blog are cordially urged to get over to the Guardian and vote yes to corporal punishment even if they actually disprove of the notion. Annoying Guardian readers is just a good in itself.

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Scarlett Johansson

An Order of the Burning Buttocks has been awarded to Scarlett Johansson and through her to any brainless bimbo who owns a camera. Give a pretty girl a camera and stick her in front of a mirror and it is pretty clear that sooner or later she will snap nude photos of herself. It is also fairly obvious that these photos will then be lost and will find their way all over the web. The girl will then start to wail loudly at the unfairness of it all, or go to the FBI, which is what young Scarlett has done.

Come on, fellas, at least it gives us a chance to shake our heads in double wonder. First because the little darlings lose their photos and then for their reaction to their own bout of female stupidity.

Come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Female Delights

Women, come on, fellas, let's be honest: we love 'em, don't we? We just find it hard to take them seriously, that's all...

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Catalina Robayo

Meet Catalina Robayo, otherwise known as Miss Colombia, and an entrant in the Miss Universe contest. Catalina managed to forget her panties for a photo shoot the other day with the result that shots of her shaven clam are now all over the web - including this here blog! Just click on the image and watch it grow. The image that is...

Now then, Catalina. If you think that dear old Uncle Nick believes for one moment that this is anything other than a publicity stunt then you are out of your mind. It is a stunt, and we both know that. What's that you are saying? Do you think that I care?

Come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

The delights of munching

Last Wednesday saw what is rapidly becoming a monthly munch at the Central Station bar in London's King's Cross. The idea is to have an open house event one afternoon a month where everyone and his brother can turn up and do their own thing. My thing involved sitting on the roof terrace slurping beer, but Raven found herself being taken down to the cellar area to have her bottom bared and spanked. She returned wriggling nicely and clearly angling for some sympathy from me, but alas sympathy had run out that day, so I left her to wriggle as I glugged another beer. 

If you are in central London on the 28th September then do please come along to the Central Station between 1.00 and 6.00pm. Dominic Hyde who normally runs these events sadly has to go into hospital, but he has left the show in my hands as well as that of another fellow. 

So don't be shy - make a note of the time, date and place and I look forward to meeting you at next month's munch!

Uncle Nick's Newest Video Will Star Raven Red!

I was sitting in front of the TV set late yesterday when Raven announced that she wanted to make a video. I raised my eyebrows, but she is serious so the first part of the shoot will take place this coming week. All being well the clips should be available by the end of the month.

Stay tuned for more details later on in the week!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Laura Johnson

At the recommendation of a correspondent named Ben, an Order of the Burning Buttocks is awarded to nineteen year old Laura Johnson from Orpington in Kent. She is one of the people accused of theft during the recent riots, but since she has pleaded not guilty to the charge, obviously we cannot have her thrashed for that.

However, since she is is an undergraduate at the University of Exeter, a Sloane institution if ever there was one, the chance to have this pert young miss bent over for a taste of the birtch rod across her bared buttocks is just too good to miss:

Come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

The world of the dickless dwarf

Raven Red is out of sorts, and for the same reason as last year: namely being let down by a sad-arsed loser with a dick the size of my little finger.

What Raven enjoys is chatting to people on-line and occasionally making an arrangement to meet them for a session. The problem is that far too many people are wannabes who shit their loads when they realise that a real live woman has landed on their shores. Then the flurry of e-mails dries up and after about a week they start to write to her again with some horribly complicated excuse for their earlier silence. A meeting is arranged and some more mails are sent - and then a final mail is received giving out the puerile and pathetic excuses for the cancellation.

I remember a friend of mine in the trade saying to me many years ago that she could dress a sexy 18 year old up as a schoolgirl, put her across the average sad-arsed punter's knee, and the tosspots still wouldn't have the bottle to do anything. They live in their own little fantasy world, but sadly for Raven, occasionally they manage to fool her into thinking that they are men, instead of pathetic, inadequate losers.

TV Spankings: Rawhide 2

Quite why Eric Fleming is dressed in a Confederate officer's uniform is unclear, but this is the second of three spankings that featured in Rawhide, the 1960s horse-opera. The first we ran back in May and the final one will feature here next week. Say what you like about these old series, they could always be relied upon to have a feisty young heroine who just needed to be taken down a notch or two.

Raven Red's Diet Plans

As many of you already know, Raven is trying to lose weight. On Saturday she announced casually that if I allowed her to get away with diet-cheating then she would consider herself absolved from all and any responsibility for any weight that may be gained. It seems that it is all my fault for not supervising her eating and making sure that she keeps to her diet.

And women wonder why men don't take them seriously...

Daddy's Girl

I am sorry, daddy. I didn't mean it, honestly. Please, you can't do that to me. Daddy! I'm a big girl now!

Socialising Nicely

I really enjoyed the event last week organised by Dominic Hyde in London. Now, sadly, he is coming under pressure from various types who want the event to become an invitation-only affair. Put another way, the fuckers want to exclude the people that they don't like and have threatened to boycott the event unless this or that person is banned.

Dom takes the view that all dislikes should be left at the door and if you don't like someone then just ignore them and chat to someone else, which is my view as well. At the last munch I saw a fellow who wasted a day of my life back in January with his fantasises of video production; fantasies which he did not have the bottle to follow through with. I was civil to him and spent the afternoon chatting to other people - there are three floors at this bar so you can ignore whomsoever you please!

Come on, folks. It was a great event, thanks to Dom's efforts, so let's look forward to the next one and leave the rancour outside.

Raven's First English Caning of 2011

As the rainbow spread its radiance over the local chinkie chippie, inside my house Raven Red was about to learn that failure to keep to an agreement has consequences  for the bottom.

I think that the lesson has been taken to heart, don't you?

New Blog on the block: The Punishment Book

Dominic Hyde, pictured left with some bird whose name escapes me, has decided to start his own blog called The Punishment Book, and I am happy to give him a plug.

Known also as Daihard, this sympathetic and incredibly witty bloke has been around the spanking world for many a long year and is the organiser of the monthly London munch, the first one of which I attended last week.

Although he has been teaching recalcitrant females to mind their manners since God's dog was a pup, he is a recent addition to the blogging fraternity, so please click on the link and visit his site to encourage him into remaining a regular member of this addictive blogging club.

On going to a play-munch

If you bolt a meeting onto a lunch you get a munch, so we are assured, and Dominic Hyde decided to have one last week at the Central Station bar in London. The nice thing about this is that the bar has a sex licence so all sorts of things are allowed to pass there, including BDSM activities in the basement area. So this was a play munch with chaps like me sat on the terrace talking to all and sundry, whilst enthusiastic players whacked the living daylights out of sundry backsides down in the cellar.

I had little urge to go down the stairs, partly because Raven had only just flown in that very day from South Africa and was totally cream crackered by the experience, but mainly because smacking bottoms in cellars is just not my thing. Smacking them in bedrooms where the owner of the bottom can be reduced to a state of humiliated submission prior to receiving my cock is one thing, but what do I get out just administering a spanking? The whole deal strikes me as too much topping from the bottom, thank you very much, and that is not my bag at all.

That said, I did get to chat with a rather nice ethnic Japanese girl and I did agree to escort her downstairs and whilst we were winding our way to the basement I did make it plain that knickers always come down and spankings are invariably hard. I had never upended a Daughter of Nippon before and figured that the experience would be memorable. Clearly it was for her as she wrote to me the next day telling me that verily I spanked her very hard. Not that I hadn't warned her...

I found out from Raven also the next day that as I was getting up to go off with the girl she had signalled to Raven that she wanted me to spank her and that Raven had nodded her agreement. This has left me wondering if the South African had not also signalled that this was conditional upon the Nipponese remaining unfucked.

Bloody women - they get their own way, don't they?

A near spanking for a cyclist

I was walking along the Upper Richmond Road with a belly full of beer and my trusty walking stick in hand to give some stability to my dodgy legs when a 20-something girl hared towards me on her bicycle. She was obviously not going to stop and assumed that I would get out of her way; a big mistake on her part.

I was about to brace the walking stick horizontally in front of me as protection, when at the very last moment she swerved to one side and ran past me. The guy who was with me said that she had a look of utter fury on her face because someone had the temerity to force her to slow down. In the north, only kids get on two wheels, but here in London it seems to be a lifestyle choice for the urban middle class - and my guess is that madam came into that fairly loathsome subspecies of humanity.

She stopped about twenty yards past me, obviously to recover her composure, and I took the opportunity to say in a goodly  voice that the fine for riding on the pavement is up to £300, but she had more to fear from the spanking that I would give her than the courts. Then, without further ado, I turned and made my way back to the house, feeling all happy inside.

As my companion said, say what you like about Uncle Joe Stalin, but there was not a whiff of trouble from people like that in his day.

Welcoming Raven Red to England

Raven Red arrived in the UK on Wednesday and is currently settling in rather nicely here in London as you can see from the above video that I grabbed just today. 

We are heading off to the north on Monday, but will be back for the August munch on the 24th at the Central Station bar. The first one we went to was held on the very day she arrived, but we managed to get there and a good time was had by the pair of us - see my report on the even coming up next week!

Blog Announcement

Blog postings are probably going to be few and far between for at least another week. I arrived in London yesterday and will be here until the 1st August, and the next week is going to be fairly hectic.

Raven arrives on Wednesday and has agreed to go to a munch for people who are interested in la cosa nostra which will take place at the Central Station bar in The King's Cross area. If anyone wants to meet us in the flesh then pop along in the afternoon before 6.00pm. Frankly, I think that Raven is going to be dead after her long flight, but she is keen to meet people that she only knows on-line so has promised to be all bright-eyed and bushy tailed on the day.

I will try to give a report on the event, so stay tuned for that!

In Control

"Now then, I did tell you that if you did not behave I would have to put you on a leash, didn't I?"

Yet More Facebook Girls

Yet another photo from Facebook reproduced for your perving pleasure. God knows what the event was, but ten girls all displaying their cheeky rumps to camera is worth a moment of any man's time.

Nice Vintage Spanking Photo

Another vintage photo is presented here for your delectation and delight. Knowing absolutely nothing about it I would guess late 1940s or very early 1950s, judging from the clothes. The location could be anywhere, but is most probably the eastern United States, going off the trees. The guy also looks like an industrial worker to me, but that's just speculation. I like the smirk on his face as he poses for the camera, and the look of endurance on hers as she awaits the next smack.

All in all a nice little snippet of a bygone age.

A Spanking Good Life: Provisional Publication date

An e-mail plopped into my in-box yesterday from my publisher to say that I can expect a proof copy of my memoirs, A Spanking Good Life, should arrive soon after the 1st September. Say what you like about the Americans, but they don't hang around. Alas, the same cannot be said of their British competitors, most of whom seem to belong on the amateur hour. Once the work is in print then I will post more on those dickless dwarves, but for the moment let me just pause and thank my lucky stars that Nazca Plains Corporation liked my manuscript and agreed to publish it.

I should also give thanks to Raven Red who had sung the praises of American houses from the very beginning. I was determined to go down the British road and when the house that I was in discussion with pulled out of the deal she redoubled her efforts to get me to see things her way, and it seems to have come up trumps.

Some of you will have read the draft chapters of this little epic here on the blog, and in late autumn the work should be available as a paperback.

Ninety-Nine and up!

Back in the final days of 2010  Raven Red and I came to an understanding. So convinced was she that she would reach her target weight of 14 stones (99 kilos) that she taunted me by saying that she would agree to one stroke of the senior cane for every kilo that she overshot the mark. Well guess what? She overshot she did...

Now, I have promised the lady that I will not mention her actual weight, but let's just say that the caning is going to be pretty bloody memorable.

Dear, dear me. I would like to say that I feel sorry for her, but I can't lie as I can barely contain my mirth. I mean, the deal is very simple: stop eating, start walking and lose weight. Or be caned.

This is not rocket science!