Order of the Burning Buttocks: Princess Kate, for showing her bare bottom again!

She's done it again! I refuse to believe that this upskirt shot is yet another accident - the saucy mare is an exhibitionist of note. Last week Princess Kate went out yet again without any knickers on and yet again a gust of wind blew her flimsy skirt up to reveal a very bare and incredibly shapely bottom for the world to see.

Last year in Australia she did the same thing as you can see on the left. A flimsy dress, a gust of wind, a bare bottom displayed for the delight of all and sundry.

Once is an accident, but twice is the mark of a cheeky miss who enjoys giving hard ons to red blooded men everywhere.

What this chit needs is a damned fine over the knee spanking, with her skirts raised not by the wind but by Prince Billy's hand, just before he brings it down again and again on that cheeky posterior.

Prince Billy: England demands that you do your duty!

Here's how to do it!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Susanna Reid

From the Daily Mail comes this story about yet another Susanna Reid upskirt on live television. If she is not chatting up young fellows half her age this 42 year old is busy tightening the trousers of the male viewing public. Has she no shame, we ask ourselves?

Clearly this saucy madam needs to learn that she is still not too old to find herself face down across a man's knee, to suffer the shame as she feels her skirts being raised, and then the utter helplessness as a hand is inserted into the waistband of her panties before peeling them down unceremoniously to mid thigh. Then her bare bottom should be smacked soundly until all that sauciness has been knocked out of her.

Come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Miss Lindsay Mills

I take it that you have all been following the story of Edward Snowden, the National Security Council whistle-blower, who has now taken refuge in Hong Kong? The really sweet thing about all this isn't actually him, but his girlfriend, Lindsay Mills, because Lindsay likes to take pictures of herself. Without many clothes on...

I dunno about you lot, but I have always enjoyed the sight of a pretty girl who likes taking selfies without many clothes on of course. I think to myself as I study her from every angle that there is a girl who really is so very naughty that a damned fine spanking is exactly what she needs.

So I award an Order of the Burning Buttocks to the lovely Miss Lindsay Mills for being just such a tease.

Now come here, you naughty little girl: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Andrea Benítez

Let's give an Order of the Burning Buttocks to Miss Andrea Benítez, the youngest daughter of Humberto Benítez Treviño, who is the head of Profeco, the Mexican federal consumer protection agency.

On the 26 April Andrea arrived at a restaurant with a girlfriend and had to wait for a table. She sent a few tweets out objecting to this, but they were not the problem. Then she moaned to the floor manager and told him how very important she was before leaving in a huff, but that is not important either.

What is important is that the saucy young madam then called up someone in Profeco who then sent out a squad to close the restaurant down on various spurious grounds.

What the silly little mare forgot is that this eatery fills up with people who are just as important as she is and they promptly began taking photos of the closure and calling their journalistic contacts. Within hours the place was open again and daddy was on national TV giving a demonstration of a shit eating grin.

The 15 May is Mothers' Day in Mexico and Humberto had previously said that he would use a firm hand on restaurants that raised their prices on that day. The question everyone one in Mexico is asking is did he use the same firm hand on his daughter's bottom when he got hold of her?

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Gwyneth Paltrow

I am just as much a Gwyneth Paltrow fan as the next man, and I thoroughly enjoy it whenever she flashes the old upskirt to keep our interest in her career alive. That said, if she is going to flash then she should wear something that is worth perving over, and that is certainly not the case with these pretty ordinary knicks that she is displaying here.

Come on, Gwyneth, you can do better than that, and so disgusted are we that an order of the Burning Buttocks is hearby awarded to Miss Gwyneth Paltrow for this terribly poor showing.

Come here you lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Two Office Slappers

Every now and again the mask slips and the inner slapper comes to the fore as this short video demonstrates. Hence why spankings are needed, I suppose. Anyway, these two certainly deserve a few good minutes across someone's knee - what do you think?

In case you are wondering, I am still out of office - out of country if you want the truth - so the next posting is going to be God knows when...

Order Of the Burning Buttocks: Anne Hathaway

An Order of the Burning Buttocks, to be administered with freshly pickled birch rod, is hereby awarded to Miss Anne Hathaway, for the old upskirt that she flashed on Monday evening.

Well, maybe not for the upskirt, since God knows how many starlets such as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have flashed their snatches for our pervy pleasure down the years. The fact that Anne has joined this not very select sorority by putting her neatly trimmed pussy on display is pretty much what we expect from a girl these days, so we glance, perv, and pass on to other things.

No, this order is given because Anne wants us to believe that it was all a terrible accident instead of a carefully planned publicity stunt. Hey, she just goes to the event of the year, in a tight fitting dress with every photographer and his brother trying to get shots of her and she just happens to forget her knickers that day.

We are not wearing that one young lady! Now come her for trying it on: you know that you deserve this so stop whimpering!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Miss Pippa Middleton Again!

Chaps, I just have to give up some valuable drinking time to award yet another Order of the Burning Buttocks to the ever lovely Miss Pippa Middleton.

If she isn't walking around in a schoolgirl skirt, then she is providing us with all too infrequent glimpses of her pert, made to smack rear end. It reminds us once again of how we switched on the royal wedding, having nothing else to do that day, and were treated to a free porn video instead.

Pippa, on behalf of the gentlemen of England may I say that every time we look at you something starts running down our legs and we don't think that it's sweat.

Now come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Olvido Hormigos Carpio

An Order of the Burning Buttocks is hereby awarded to Mrs Olvido Hormigos Carpio, a Spanish primary schoolmistress, local politician and porn star. The porn star bit is accidental because she made the video for either her husband or lover, depending upon which version of the tale you believe. Either way it leaked to the web as these things will and now Olvido is an ex-politician.

Somebody should tell these silly girls that if you make a sleazy video that it is almost certain that someone will leak it to the web so that the rest of us can have a good old perv.

Since nobody else seems willing to take this saucy young madam in had it falls to me to say:

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Stephanie Ruhle

That's OK because I had no idea who Stephanie Ruhle was either until I saw the video of her flashing the old upskirt for the perving pleasure of the multitude.

I suppose that this financial journalist could argue that the producers insisted on the high stool, but the short skirt is hers alone and it meant that she had to keep her thighs jammed firmly together - until she decided not to which is when we got the flash. When will the Newsnight presenters who wear similarly short skirts treat us to a similar display?

In the meantime, and for not knowing how to sit properly, we award a sound Order of the Burning Buttocks to Miss Stephanie Ruhle:

Now come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Kate Middleton, Again!

What are we to say about Kate Middleton? When she is not flashing the old upskirt for our perving pleasure she is strutting around naked at some French holiday resort or other.

Consider these photos as a case in point. Above she is shamelessly showing her knickers as she climbs out of a car, allowing us a rather nice pussy glimpse it must be said.

On the left as she walks with Baldin' Billy she allows her skirt to float up in the breeze, thus giving us a shot of rather nice yellow panties

This is a terrible way to behave and we at Uncle Nick's College for Wayward Young Ladies have no hesitation in awarding her a damned fine Order of the Burning Buttocks, well laid on!

Come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Visit my Amazon author page.

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Geri Halliwell

Geri Haliwell seems to have become flowery spice, thanks to this rather nice upskirt shot of her reaching into a car to grab something or other.

The problem is that this is not the first time that she has flashed her nicks for the delectation and delight of the more undiscerning perv, and it always tends to coincide with some move in her ever faltering career. Perish the thought that she was doing this deliberately the other day. Forget it, that is exactly what she was doing, the saucy little minx!

Come here, young lady, you know that you deserve this!

Cheers: Egotastic.com

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Katy Perry

Popster Katy Perry was at California's Raging Waters Park and gave everyone a raging blue-veiner as her bikini bottom came loose. Luckily  a photographer was around to capture the moment for posterity.

That said, these girls really do need to be taught how to maintain their modesty, and the easiest way to do it is to strip them off that modesty along with their knickers for a bare bottomed blistering.

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Kristen Stewart

What can we say about the latest Hollywood scandal, which saw Kristen Stewart polishing the knob of director Rupert Sanders, whilst boyfriend Robert Pattinson was left pulling his pud?

It could, of course, all be a publicity stunt, or the luscious Miss Stewart could have been caught with her knickers momentarily down, something which can happen to any girl, I suppose.

Alternatively, it could be that little Kristen felt trapped in her affair with Robert and instead of doing the sensible thing, which would be to talk about her fears, she did the stupid female thing which was to create a massive scandal so that the matter would be taken out of her hands.

Whatever the reason, her is one naughty little girl who needs to feel the weight of a ahrd, make hand across her soft feminine bottom.

Come here, Kristen: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Sophie, Countess of Wessex

An Order of the Burning Buttocks is hereby awarded to Sophie, Countess of Wessex, for unladylike behaviour at the recent Royal Ascot bunfest. Yes, we know, the place is full of slappers with their orange skin and heavyweight bling, but we expect more from the royal family - even if Sophie is just an HRH by marriage.

This is not the first time that Sophie has been awarded one of our Orders of the Burning Buttocks. This time is is because of the rampant slapperism that she displayed when giving it tongue like a fishwife at Royal Ascot.

Come here, young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Chris's Wife

If ever a wife needed five minutes over her husband's knee then surely it is the one who belongs to Chris who stuck this banner up on a Birmingham motorway bridge? England were never expected to even get through the group stage of Euro 2012 so obviously as soon as they did this fellow darted over to Ukraine to see the lads in action against Italy. Wedding anniversaries come around every year so his wife can have a double event in twelve months' time. For the moment Chris, her long suffering fellow, has other things on his mind.

Now then, this has only come to pass because Chris has clearly been too liberal with his awfully wedded wife up to now. He needs to take her in hand and remind her who is the head of that particular house.

Chris: the men of England are with you on this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Tulisa Contostavlos

Have you ever heard of Tulisa Contostavlos? You probably haven't, but I am awarded her an Order of the Burning Buttocks for the following reasons:

Firstly, having made a sex tape which was obviously leaked to boost whatever career this girl had, she then tried to stop the web from perving over her cock sucking capers. Yes, that was a success, wasn't it? So a good spanking is called for because of  that act of basic stupidity.

Secondly, for not getting someone to review her dialogue in the exculpatory video she made, which is reproduced above. I mean, the comment about not sitting down with her mouth shut is so wonderfully off the wall as to be unbelievable. We know that you didn't do that, dear, because we have all seen you on your knees, mouth open to take a good sized cock in it. And don't get me started on the "intimate moments" comment which you repeated heaven knows how many times. Dear, we have all watched you in action and it was about as intimate a moment as any provided in a bus shelter when the discos kick out.

Finally, we were deprived of our pop shot! Sorry, Tulisa, but we wanted to see him shoot his wad all over your face or you taking his cock oil into your open mouth and then swallowing every drop like a good girl should. Depriving us of this is a no-no and deserves an extra heavy spanking for you.

Now then, we know that you are an X-Factor judge and that Simon Cowell is reported to have said that you can keep your job if you go down on your knees, but before that happens, come here young lady, you know that you deserve this!

What's that? You want to watch the blow job? OK, here you go:

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Imogen Thomas

An Order of the Burning Buttocks is hereby awarded to Miss Imogen Thomas, former chief leg-over of the footballer Ryan Giggs, for leaving the house without wearing knickers on a windy day.

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Sophie, Countess of Wessex

An Order of the Burning Buttocks is hereby awarded to Sophie, Countess of Wessex. Alas we have no idea why we are awarding her this distinct honour, but she has been nominated by Aristotle, one of our regular readers and he thinks that she deserves it, so there.

Come here young lady: you know that you deserve this!

Order of the Burning Buttocks: Louise Mensch

Louise Bagshawe was known as Barker at Oxford because of her predilection for doggie-style sex. The story is told that every time she wandered into the bar at the Oxford Union the drunks would start to make growling noises at her. The story is also told that she was too fucking retarded to figure out what they were up to.

In spite of the fact that she is an MP, Louise Mensch, as she now is, still has problems in the comprehension department, a fact which should be clear to anyone who saw how she managed to misinterpret a journalist's words and then accused him of hacking telephones. A cursory reading of Piers Morgan's paragraph will allow for no such interpretation and eventually Barker had to make a grovelling apology - but not before Morgan had made her sweat a bit.

Her latest bit of idicocy is to wonder aloud why she has never been promoted from the backbenches? The answer is quite simple: Prime Minsiter David Cameron may be many things, but stupid he is not.

As for Barker, all we can say, more in sorrow than anger, is:

Come here you silly girl: you know that you deserve this!