Order of the Burning Buttocks: Kristen Stewart

What can we say about the latest Hollywood scandal, which saw Kristen Stewart polishing the knob of director Rupert Sanders, whilst boyfriend Robert Pattinson was left pulling his pud?

It could, of course, all be a publicity stunt, or the luscious Miss Stewart could have been caught with her knickers momentarily down, something which can happen to any girl, I suppose.

Alternatively, it could be that little Kristen felt trapped in her affair with Robert and instead of doing the sensible thing, which would be to talk about her fears, she did the stupid female thing which was to create a massive scandal so that the matter would be taken out of her hands.

Whatever the reason, her is one naughty little girl who needs to feel the weight of a ahrd, make hand across her soft feminine bottom.

Come here, Kristen: you know that you deserve this!

Weekending: Ramadan Festivities

Have a great weekend folks, and be careful that the goat doesn't get you!

Britain's Beach Volleyball Team

Is it just me or has the Olympic Games suddenly become much more interesting? What do we think of these chubby delights, parading semi-naked in a public space. Are we not all, in a very real sense, outraged at this display of wantonness?

What is to be done with girls such as these?

How the Mohammedans do things

We don't normally run femdom stuff at this here blog but since this week is Rubadub or something for the Mohammedans I thought that I would include a piece that would appeal to them and this is all I could find off-hand.

Weekending: Maids' Canes

This photo is from Singapore, but it could be any general shop pretty much anywhere in Asia or Arabia. They are called maids' canes and are used for the disciplining of servants throughout the region. The stock is usually kept in a bucket or something by the door and they cost a few pennies. Many a Filipino, Thai or Indonesian rump will have danced to the tune that these instruments sing as they whistle through the air on the way to their appointment with a female backside.

I like the coloured handles!

How to be a writer

If I had tits then there would be certain things in the world that would get right on them. Near the top of that long list would be those people who think that they can be taught to write, and who waste good brass attending courses that are supposed to teach them the secrets of being a successful scribbler. The latest is this deal in Paris of all places that costs a fortune and is a waste of everyone's time and money - except the organisers who will be raking it in.

Time was when your average journalist was some bloke who had left school at 14, but who had a way with both words and booze. Novelists and playwrites used to be nothing more than men who had stories to tell and the ability to tell those tales. William Shakespeare and Joe Orton both spring to mind as examples of  provincial blokes made good.

So does Paul Davies come to that. I met Paul once quite by chance in Manchester a few months ago and he told me about his book, Letterbox, which is concerned with the 1996 IRA bombing in Manchester. Paul made the point that he wrote his book because he had a story to tell, so he sat down and started work.

If you have stories to tell as I do then go ahead and tell them. Now is the best time to be an author or authoress because the days when we had to put up with crap from the publishers are dead and buried. For less than £250 you can get your manuscript turned into all the e-reader formats and within days it will be available from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, W.H. Smith and the like. If it is good, then people will read it...

Alternatively, you could get in touch with one of the new publishers who will cut you a very nice deal because they want to work with you. Raven is starting a new publishing house next month and she wants to hear from writers, especially those in the erotica field. The deal will be basically a 50-50 royalty split, and she will carry the costs of editing your epic. 

Get in touch with her for more details.

Thoughts on a spanking man

Almost a decade after everyone else I discovered yesterday that Mick Jagger is a spanking man. I really must pay more attention to celebrity news, I suppose, but life is just too short.

It does leave me puzzled about one thing: all those characters I meet who tell me how dominant they are and then it turns out that their wives know nothing about it. I mean, when a chap gets a girlfriend and she does something female and silly he obviously tells her that the next time that she acts up like that her backside will burn. She has the choice of ending things there and then or running the risk of getting a roast rump, but by definition she cannot progress to becoming a wife without knowing that her husband is a solid type of chap who takes no nonsense, can she?

I wonder what the answer is? Perish the thought that these fellows are fantasising....

Weekending: Naughty Secretary 3

Another one of those fine secretary cartoons from the 1950s which rely for their humour on the fact that spanked secretaries were not all that uncommon an occurrence back then.

I think that this would be funnier if the guy had a more world weary look on his face, but the girl's complaint that she is somehow being treated in a lesser way than her peers, even though it means a sore bottom raises a smile at eternal female silliness.,

Hollie Stevens, 1982-2012

Hollie Stevens died on the 3rd July from breast cancer at the tragically early age of just 30. She was better know as a hardcore porn actress, but she did some spanking work as well. She was so well known that even the Daily Mail ran not one, but two stories about her.

Although cancer will be the official cause of death, actually Holly died because she had the misfortune to live in a country that requires private medical insurance. By the time she had discovered the lump on her breast it was too late to go and buy it because the cover does not include existing conditions. Her friends rallied around and raised money for her treatment, but by then it was just too late.

I have always thanked God that I was born an Englishman, but an extra source of pride is that my country still has a functioning health service. It has many holes in its safety net, but Holly would be alive today had she lived here.

Thanks: The Spanking Spot

New BDSM Publishing House Wants Authors

Raven has announced plans to set up a new company, which is going to be a publishing house! That's right - she is planning to go head to head with the interesting collection of people who currently run the British pornography trade, and knowing her she will probably emerge as the Big Mama of it all.

Actually, I have so much confidence in her that I have decided that Good Times With Girls will now be published by her new house, and in return she has promised that it will emerge into the light of day by September.

She will be making her own announcement soon, but for the moment, the call for authors is now out and Raven wants your works. The basic rules are that your MS should not contain kids or animals, be between 50,000 and 80,000 words, and sent as a word attachment. Please include in the mail itself a chapter by chapter outline. If you want to submit to other houses at the same time, that's fine and the basic deal is a whopping fifty percent of the paid out royalties go into your hot, grasping paws.

So what are you waiting for? Fifty Shades has shown you the way and demonstrates that there is now a mass market for la cosa nostra - so get writing!

The times they are a-changing

Those of you who read last Thursday's posting will know that I had a few little difficulties with a mouthy secretary over at Xcite Books who thought that her opinions counted for something with me. If you read that post then you may even have glanced at the comments' box where I mentioned to a fellow that the porn writers now have the whip hand, and that the merchants had better get with the programme or risk being cut out of the deals altogether.

To understand why we need to take a trip down Memory Lane together. Back in the day the porn merchants who owned the magazines would pay us for product as we were cheaper than models and photographers. The problem was that there were not enough magazines so the fuckers could still pick and choose, which meant that most writers were only part-time hacks. Then came the internet and what work there was dried up as everyone and his brother started writing porno and posting it to the web.

This year was when everything changed and our time finally came around. Everybody and his brother got a Kindle for Christmas and started downloading porn to it. Immediately, any number of publishers got in on the act, and started hawking their wares, and then lights began to go on as people realised that there were not enough writers to go around. Then, to make matters worse, many a writer started using Kindle software to self publish his epic and then punting it directly to the people, cutting out the porno publishing houses altogether. You can feel their pain, can't you?

Well, I can't, because I can't stop laughing, but you take my point, I'm sure. This being the case, do you think that somebody should whisper into a few of the brighter porn merchants' ears and tell them that alienating writers, which is what Xcite did to me, is not really a good idea?

Weekending: Females and Technology

It really is nice to see the girls getting away from traditional roles and moving into other areas such as IT...

See you next week!

Reflections on a Good Day

Today was a good day...

I got up in the late morning to receive a  mail from Xcite Books telling me that they did not wish to publish my latest trouser tightening, knicker moistening work of utter filth that goes under the title of Good Times With Girls. This is my ever so courteous reply:

Thank you for taking the trouble to reply, but there was no need to have bothered. I waited two weeks, which I felt was quite long enough, and then  found another publisher. Good Times With Girls should hit the stands in September and I am sure that we will all enjoy watching its sales rack up, just as they continue to do for my earlier work.

 To my delight a secretary or something, answering to the name of Liz, took it upon herself to get my day off to a flying start with this pompous load of old wank:

It's standard author etiquette to inform a publisher if a book has been picked up while still under consideration elsewhere, and I hope you'll bear this in mind if you choose to submit to us again in future.

I think it is so wonderful when women climb on their high horses like that, so with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart I fired off my reply telling little Lizzie that: "Those may be your rules, but I play by my own. If you don't like them that is hardly my problem, is it darling?" 

Feeling like the dog's dick after that I went and had a shit, shower and shave and then decided to wander over to Skipton for afternoon tea. Why Skipton? Why not?

I called in at a bookshop and was amazed to see that the whole window was taken up with the 50 Shades books - in fact a fellow bought one whilst I was there. Chatting to the woman behind the counter they are selling like hot cakes, so I took the opportunity to introduce myself and tell her all about A Spanking Good Life, which is a far better offering than 50 Shades, if only because it is not fiction. That and it is well written to boot...

From there I went and had a large latte, two scones, butter, jam and clotted cream all the the very reasonable price of £3.50. I explained to the three women sat at the next table that anorexia can creep up on any of us so its best to slap the cream on top of the buttered, jammy scone and keep it at bay. I went on to point out that people don't go to the gym in my area, they come and jog around me instead.

Then my cup of joy overflowed when one of the women told me that she remembered me from the bookshop and asked if it was true what I had said there? Indeed it was, said avuncular old Uncle Nick, and we chatted about writing, erotica, and the need for the smack of firm government... Then I gave out my business card like there was going to be no tomorrow:

Will any of them get in touch? We shall see, but now you know why today was a good day!

Jo's Video Spanking

Naughty girls come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Many a girl has felt a man's hand across her bottom as punishment for her unacceptable behaviour, and almost as many have felt that they deserved the spankings that they receive. It's a curious, and let's be honest, delightful, aspect of the female personality.

Over the course of my long life I have laid many a girl over my knee and then allowed her to rise some time later with a bare bottom that is hot and sore, and I must confess that I do enjoy videoing the event as part of the punishment. Obviously the girl has to agree to this, and in the case of Jo who went across my knee last week, I agreed that her face would not be shown, but you can see the rest of her, and hear her protests as her knickers come down and her bottom goes from white to pink to angry red.

Imagine how she feels at her age knowing that thousands of people will see her shame...

A Spanking Good Life.

Fifty Shades of Fan Fiction

As we all know, the Fifty Shades trilogy started out as a fan fiction work called Master of the Universe. Now, in one of those curiously symmetrical twists that occasionally happen, 50 Shades has acquired a fan fiction following all of its own. Have you ever wondered what would have happened had Ana been the 27 year old business woman and Christian the younger innocent? Well, if your brain can take it, all that and more can be found at the 50 Shades fan fiction site.

I think that I've entered the Twilight Zone...