Order of the Burning Buttocks: Lisa Snowdon

This is Lisa Snowdon, and who is she, you may ask? Well, I had never heard of her but I see that she is famous for being famous, and will hit her fortieth birthday in January so is pretty close to her fuck-by date. Other than that her only claim to fame is that a fellow left a comment and recommended her for a prestigious Order of the Burning Buttocks.

Be it hereby awarded, but only because I am sloshed.

Wanky Wednesday: Crying Eyes 2

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Pippa's Posterior Bare?

Is this really Pippa Middleton, admiring her own pert posterior in that dress? The photo plopped into my in-box this morning with an assurance that it is.

Dear old Uncle Nick has his doubts, but the fuck it principle applies at times that this. So settle back and put your doubts to one side as you stroke one off, all courtesy of your favourite blog.

Janus: the end of it all

To everything there is a season, a time to be born and a time to die... As you can see from the photos that illustrate this posting, for Janus it is the time to die.

The outfit had a good run and when the magazine was edited by Alan van Ocker it led the field, partly because there was not much in the way of competition, but also because the owner, having picked the right man for the job, then left him to run the little gold mine as he saw fit. Sadly, the death of van Ocker at the end of the 1970s marked the beginning of the slow decline of the Janus behemoth.

Like many a tired empire before it, Janus carried on losing a bit here and there to competitors, until eventually the internet put the outfit into its death spiral. It managed to keep going because of the shop and the company's willingness to sell pirated copies of everyone else's videos. On my trips back to the UK I would always go into the Janus shop and see which Moonglow videos were being pirated that year - it was truly one of the highlights of my England trips.

I remember in about 2005 asking one of the Chuckle Brothers who worked behind the counter if they ever planned to put their back catalogue on-line? I was amazed to learn that Janus did not keep its catalogue and nobody actually knew what had happened to the old photos, artwork and stories. Probably for this reason the new Janus website is reduced to offering overpriced PDF scans of the magazine in the hope of pulling in some cash from the nostalgia brigade.

Certainly looking at the website with its broken links and content that would have been cutting edge twenty years ago, but now appears sad and lifeless, I think of the final spin of the roulette wheel on a table that nobody is playing on anymore. The words of  Shelley seem appropriate:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away".

Still Rocketing!!!!

Yesterday I posted that A Spanking Good Life had reached to about the number 47,000 spot on the Amazon Kindle rankings. I was pleased about that to put it mildly.

Well, today the book has clocked in at number 16,593 and I am seriously ecstatic!

Just to remind those of you who live in London that I will be signing copies of the book on the 30th of this month at the Central Station bar in King's Cross. Be there, or be seriously square.

A Spanking Good Life Rockets up the Amazon Rankings

The Kindle version of A Spanking Good Life has rocketed up the rankings to number 47,551 on the British site. That is a long way from the top, but the book is still less than a month old. To put it into some kind of context, I am behind Niki Flynn's Dances with Werewolves which ranks at 33,034, but I am already way ahead of Peter Jones and his True Confessions of a London Spank Daddy which is languishing at the 55,079 spot. Remember that both those book have been out for several years, and in less than a month I can leave one eating my dust and am within touching distance of the other.

Mother and son

I was in the local Tescos the other day and a youngish mother was having an off day with her toddler.

"You want your bottom smacking, don't you, David? That's what you are after, right here in the shop, and over my knee. Shall we go and let mummie sit down on that chair so she can get herself comfortable for her bad little boy?"

On and on it went with the mother laying it on with a trowel and the little brute just grizzling by way of reply.

The though occurred to me that thirty years down the road he might be paying out good money to hear a speech like that, and there he was getting it all for free, but was he grateful?

Of course not!

Wanky Wednesday: Unbridled Youth

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Bradley Richard: Plod Pincher

You have to admit that there are certain actions that deserve maximum respect and pinching a policewoman's bum is certainly one of them. OK, she was not a real copper, rather one of those Mickey Mouse types that they call dirties - 'cos they are not real filth - but the principle still holds.

So maximum respect to Bradley Richard, 27, for his actions earlier this year. Also maximum respect to him for his refusal to plead guilty to the ludicrous charge of sexual assault that could have seen him forced to sign the sex offenders' register! When the case came up yesterday the prosecution managed to talk the plodette into accepting the lesser charge of common assault, by pointing out to her that the "global perception" of a pinch is not that of sexual assault. Very well, the language may have been convoluted, but in simple English it was pointed out to the brainless bitch that no court would convict a man on such a serious charge for nipping a rump.

We at Urzodwn Hall firmly believe that there is only one thing worse for a pretty girl who has had her bottom pinched, and that is for a pretty girl never to have her bottom pinched.

As for Bradley Richards: nice one mate!

The day Mary Churchill was spanked, part two

A couple of weeks ago I ran a report of Mary Churchill's July 1942 spanking at the hands of an American soldier at a dance. The Prime Minister's 19 year old daughter was in the Auxiliary Territorial Service, the forerunner to the Women's Royal Army Corp, where she served in an anti-aircraft battery. The spanking was seen by an American journalist who fed the story to the New York Times who ran it on the 1 August 1942 and from there it went out on the wire services. The Churchill archives are held at Churchill College, Cambridge, and there is a box of files relating to Mary's paddling - so I contacted the college and arranged for copies of those files to be sent to me. They make fascinating reading...

On the 3 August, the British embassy in Washington sent a long cable to London giving a summary of the account. At the bottom of the cable are the words "Unseen elsewhere so far." That cable was passed along to the Prime Minister's office by the duty officer at the Ministry of Information, with a handwritten note which read:

Herewith the answer from New York. It does not appear to have had much publicity.

Obviously someone in London must have asked the embassy to check the New York Times report, which means that they must have known about it, but those files are not in the Churchill Archive. Equally obviously, given the replies, the question must have related to the publicity that the story was attracting.

The information that London was getting was not entirely accurate since the papers were picking the story up all across the USA, but they were printing the report and then letting the story die - it wasn't attracting all that much attention.

Why the government was worried appears in the final note that went out from the Prime Minster's office on the 6 August. The reason why the government was worried had nothing to do with saving Mary's blushes and everything to do with the war effort. Put simply, if the story acquired wings, then "it might have a discouraging effect on mothers of possible recruits for the A.T.S."

The Ministry of Information did not feel that they could ban the story, and were worried that a request to ignore it could just lead to newspapers deciding to dig it up and ran with it. The best that the ministry could offer was to keep an eye on the papers and see if anyone ran the story, then call the editor and try and have it removed from later editions. Compared to the way that news is managed these days, it was a  curiously amateurish approach to controlling the news, but it worked. The British press did not pick up the story, and to quote from the final line of the note:

No further action is required and the papers may be put away.

It should be noted that nobody in all of this seems to have cared all that much about the fact that the Prime Minister's daughter had recently had her backside warmed up in public by an American soldier! The matter just was left to rest, presumably with everyone thinking that mouthy young 19 year old girls really do need to be taken in hand as and when needed.

Love Our Lurkers Day

Today it seems is the sixth annual Love Our Lurkers Day, when spanko bloggers post something to reassure the ninety-nine percent of our readers who never comment that we really do care about them...

Now comes the tricky bit: writing that I love you all without cracking up.

Sorry, folks, but I cannot manage it. To all you lurkers out there, leave a comment from time to time to let me know what you like and don't like about the site. Second guessing you all the time based upon a fluctuating hit counter is not the easiest game in town.

Other than that, as you were!

On Multitasking

Contrary to the received wisdom, men are actually rather skilled at multitasking. It takes an incredible amount of skill to fuck anything in skirts and keep all the women blissfully unaware of each other.

Wanky Wednesday: Inmates 2

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A Spanking Good Life: Availability

I have good and bad news on the book availability front. If you are in the USA then relax as Amazon have stock in hand and can deliver in the usual time. In Britain things are a bit more complicated. Amazon UK are quoting up to eight weeks for a delivery, but never fear because the Book Depository have 130 copies in stock and can deliver in just a few days.

What has happened is a technical problem with the presses, and when that is fixed a small order like this one will just have to wait its turn as the big boys get their orders delivered first. An American firm has been contracted as an emergency, and Amazon UK will ship in stock from them.

I am trying to sort out my supply of books to sell at the London munch on the 30th of this month. All being well, people should be able to pick up a signed copy at that event.

A request from kindly old Uncle Nick

I looked at myself in the mirror, turned my head from side to side so that I could consider my features from every angle. Although I am no oil painting, try as I might I cannot see myself as a cunt. It is obvious that other people do see me that way, because cunts are there to be fucked and they are trying to fuck me. This posting is a gentle plea for them to cease, desist and generally nark it.

It all started last Thursday - yes, it's as recent as that - when a girl rang me up and we ended up having a spot of phone sex. Well, she had the phone sex, as I was having a shit, but never mind that now. The thing that turned her on was A Spanking Good Life, which is fair enough, since it was partly written as pussy bait. Anyway, she had her climax, I got a posting for the blog, and both of us were happy with that. However, since then no fewer than three girls have been in touch, all seeking discipline and all expecting to get away unfucked from the experience.

Part of me thinks that this is all rather sweet, and then the realist in me kicks in and a nasty voice tells me that the little mingers are trying it on. One little darling even had it in her little mind that I was going to drive all the way to Nottingham, rent a hotel room, smack her bottom for being the naughty little girl that she is, and then leave having done my paternal duty. This whole concept of Uncle Nick as a cunt that all and sundry can fuck is so double plus ungood as to be unbelievable.

Girls, what can I say? Just nark it, OK?

Getting the priorities right

What is left to be said? For most people it was a major crisis meeting, but  Silvio Berlusconi managed to lighten the atmosphere with his obvious admiration of the rear end of Argentina's President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner at the Cannes summit on Thursday.

The delights of phone sex

Every morning I perform my ritual of breakfast, newspapers and then heroic shit. I take both my mobile phones, the house phone and a book to the lavatory, settle myself down with the handsets splayed around, read the book, and let whatever is inside me pass freely forth. I am sure that all men would agree with me when I say that a good crap is the second best bodily function that a man can have.

So there I was, patiently waiting for my thing to happen when a text arrived on my kinky phone:

"R U the writer of spanking good life?"

I replied that I was and a flurry of texts were then sent backwards and forwards, with the girl on the other end eventually announcing that she felt "really sexy" and did I want to play? Before I had time to answer another text arrived with a number and the words "call me." Nice guy that I am I did just as I had been asked and got to speak to Sophie, who sounded like a mid-20s type of girl.

"I am wet," she told me without any preamble.

"Good," I replied. Have you got a toy?"

"Yes, my bullet vibrator - want me to use it?"

"Yes, imagine it's my cock, driving home inside you."

So off she went and from the sound she was making she was obviously having a great time.

"Can you hear me? I am doing it, " she squealed. "Are you playing with yourself?"

It was not my fault, ladies and gentlemen. It was the Devil's fault! He was sat by my side whispering wickedness into my ear, and doing things to my bowels. For just at that moment, a sphincter wrenching turd of monumental proportions began to leave my  innermost workings and make its way out to the open air. I took a deep breath and prepared to experience the nearest equivalent that a man can have to the act of giving birth:

"Aaaah!"

"You are doing it! I can hear you! Me too!"

"Yeees," I roared as gravity took over and the arse widening turd began its descent into the bog bowl.

"I am loving this,"  Sophie yelped. "Tell me what you are doing."

" I am with you," the Devil made me mutter. "With you all the way, and ready to shoot."

"Come with me! Come with me! Let me hear you!"

I exhaled deeply and Sophie took that as a sign that I had shooting my load, and a minute or two later, and accompanied by a lot of squeals, she reached her moment of joy. Then without further ado she hung up and that was that!

To be honest I don't mind a bit - just so long as Sophie doesn't object if she reads this and discovers that instead of shooting my load I was actually dumping it.

A Spanking Good Life, sells out!

Amazon UK  managed to sell out their entire stock of A Spanking Good Life on Monday, the first day that it was available in this country. Don't get me wrong - I am seriously chuffed that people are buying my epic of amatory and disciplinary delights, but having to answer e-mails from people who want to know when it will be back in stock is difficult because I don't know myself.

What seems to have happened is that the printers ran off a preliminary lot of books which everyone assumed would be enough to meet demand until the full run could be printed, collated, packed up and sent off. That was not the case and everyone is now standing around, waiting for the new copies to arrive.

The best bet is early next week, but if that changes then I shall immediately report the news here.

Wanky Wednesday: Crime at St. Thomas' School

 

Today's totally free Wanky Wednesday download is The Crime at St. Thomas' School, a real trouser-tightening, zip-busting, cock-throbbing piece of spanko porno. Download the video, unpack the lube and settle back to stroke one off courtesy of your friendly old Uncle Nick!

The day Mary Churchill was spanked

The Daily Telegraph reports that Mary Soames, the last surviving child of Sir Winston Churchill, has finally written her memoirs. I wonder if the spanking she received in the summer of 1942 from a certain Bill "Feets" Adams features in the work? Bill was the proud owner of an enormous pair of hooves and Mary teased him about them at a dance, so Bill put her across his knee and administered a spanking. By all accounts it was not the soundest spanking a mouthy young madam has ever received, but thirty or so smacks, in public, is not something that she is likely to forget - so does it feature in the book or not?

We know about the event because a New York Times reporter was on hand and his story was picked up by the news wires and ran across the USA. The story features what must be the best quote of all time when one of the participants stated the bleeding obvious that Mary "seemed embarrassed" by being put across the knee of a man she had only just met and then having her bottom smacked in front of a cheering crowd of onlookers.

Funnily enough, the spanking even reached British government circles, with some quite senior civil servants discussing whether Mary's paddling should be kept out of the British press or not. I have not seen any accounts of the event in the British papers, so it probably was censored. Quite why they wanted to do that is unclear, so I shall contact the library at Churchill College, Cambridge, and have the files photocopied and sent up to me. Stay tuned for further details.

In the meantime, according to the review of Mary Soames' memoirs, the lady has been assiduous in keeping a diary since she was 12 years old. If the book does not refer to the spanking then it must be that the authoress is still embarrassed by it almost 70 years after the event - a spanking that served its purpose, obviously!